My son, Jacob, recently faced a significant challenge that many of our children deal with: he didn’t make his middle school basketball team. As a father, it was heart-wrenching to hear my son, Jacob, explain why boys feel they can’t cry after a major disappointment, but it was eye-opening to see that this trend persists. He was open to recording an honest (and clearly unscripted) conversation about rejection, the persisting myths surrounding masculinity, and how to bounce back. This isn’t just about sports; it’s a deep dive into the research on emotional resilience and the societal pressures that tell our sons to “suck it up” rather than speak out.

I’ll include some of the research I found that supports our discussion and provides context for parents, teachers, and leaders who want to dive deeper into the “why” behind the topics we discuss. Additionally, I’ll add links to specific areas in the conversation. Ultimately, we’re sharing this interview to encourage others who may be going through something similar, and to prepare those who lead and interact with children to guide them through the challenging times they encounter. For those who didn’t know, I offer a free downloadable three-day mental health guide to help you in your discussions with the young people in your life.

Enjoy, tell me what lessons you’ve learned from children in the comments, and share!

Turning “The Cut” into a Comeback: Lessons in Resilience from My Son

Our instinctual response as parents is to shield our children from the sting of rejection. We just want to protect them from all the “no’s” of the world. But I’ve always believed in a different approach: Encourage your children to try, even if failure is likely. If we only let them attempt things they are guaranteed to win at, we rob them of the opportunity to grow.

Recently, my son Jacob tried out for his middle school basketball team. He worked hard to prepare and gave his all in tryouts, but when the list went up, his name wasn’t on it. We had several conversations about how he felt and what he learned throughout the process. Here is what that experience taught us about the science of resilience and the heart of parenting.

1. Exposing the Persisting Myths Surrounding Masculinity and Crying

One of the hardest parts of the interview was hearing Jacob explain why he held back his tears until he got home. He felt that showing emotion in public would make him look “weak” [13:22].

The data backs up why he felt this way:

• 50% of young men feel they must act strong even when scared or nervous.
• 40% believe a man who talks about his worries doesn’t deserve respect.
• One-third of boys report that society expects them to “suck it up” and hide their feelings.

As parents, we have to be aware of these external influences and either collaborate with them or combat them—there is no in-between. I told Jacob then, and I’ll tell you now: Creating a safe space for children to express themselves is critical to teaching them resilience [17:01].

In fact, science shows that crying supports emotional recovery by releasing stress hormones and reducing tension. By letting those tears fall at home, Jacob was literally clearing his body of stress so he could focus on his next move.

2. The Power of “Golden Tips” and Positive Self-Talk

During our talk, Jacob identified that his performance during tryouts dipped when he got “in his head.” Research shows that negative spontaneous self-talk significantly hinders performance, while positive self-talk can turn the tide [11:42].

Jacob developed what we call his “Golden Tips” for navigating failure [22:18]:

• Realize what you did wrong: Be honest with yourself.
• Fix your mistakes: Don’t just dwell; take action.
• Try again: Persistence is a choice.
• Be humble: Avoid the trap of “hostile attribution.”

The last tip cannot be overstated. Research shows that when we repeatedly analyze why we were “wronged” or assume others have bad motives, we get stuck in rumination, which prevents healing. Attribution research shows we often misread others’ motives, especially under stress, and hostile attributions increase emotional distress. Rumination research consistently finds that repeatedly replaying negative events and motives prolongs negative emotions, worsens performance, and delays emotional recovery. By staying humble and focused on his own growth instead of blaming the coach or others, Jacob stayed “unstuck.”

3. Preparation Over Fear

Jacob’s fifth golden tip hit home: Prepare yourself because preparation reduces fear.

We talked about how the skills he learned in football—speed, agility, and grit—can be transferred to basketball. Educational research confirms this: when we apply existing knowledge to new tasks, we learn faster because our brains connect the dots [26:24].

Another positive we can learn from this is that Jacob’s willingness to keep exploring new sports, even after a setback, is a hallmark of positive development. Science shows that a young person’s willingness to try new things—even with the risk of failure—is essential for long-term success.

4. Finding Purpose in the Push

Finally, we discussed the “big picture.” Research tells us that people who feel their lives have a sense of purpose consistently experience lower stress and greater resilience. Jacob’s final takeaway for himself (and for all of us) was simple but profound:

• “You won’t always get what you want in life, but keep pushing and trying!”
• “If you put your mind to it, you can do it!”

My Challenge to You

As a father, my job isn’t to ensure Jacob never fails; it’s to ensure that when he does, he has the tools to get back up. Whether you are a parent, a coach, or a leader, I encourage you to build that “safe space” today. Let your children cry, let them fail, and then help them fix their mistakes and try again.

Keep connecting, keep leading, and keep pushing!

— Olaolu Ogunyemi

To see the full interview and hear these tips in action, watch the video here: