Parenting with intentionality means recognizing that growth happens on both sides of a relationship. My brother, Clement, reached out to me recently to apologize for the way he treated me as a child. He felt his actions were abrasive and unnecessary. He even used the word bullying. I admired his transparency, but I was shocked when he admitted he had carried this weight for years as he watched me grow and as he raised his own children.

But here’s the truth: I credit my family—including that same brother—for much of who I am today! 

I probably could’ve been more empathetic with my response, but “Boy, what the heck are you talking about?!” was just about all I could think of. I didn’t mean to be dismissive, and I’m not viewing my childhood through a rose-colored lens, but I can draw a direct correlation between the lessons they taught me with love and my successes today.

My family probably won’t admit this publicly, but I was a ruffian (the only politically correct word I could think of) as a kid. Honestly, I was just trying to find my identity, but that involved acting out, throwing fits, being disrespectful to teachers, and testing boundaries. The easiest thing would’ve been to admit that raising 5 out of 6 children with some sense isn’t that bad… but my family worked with me. They challenged me and pushed me to be better. Most importantly, they set boundaries, held me accountable, and created an environment that didn’t just keep me out of trouble; it trained me for life. It shaped the husband, Marine, father, and mentor I am today.

That doesn’t mean every moment was comfortable…Not by any stretch of the imagination. We’re not talking about kneecap to kneecap “Family Matters” moments–more like WWE-style “conflict resolution” to get me back in line. I say that tongue-in-cheek, but the most crucial aspect of these hard lessons was that every moment was rooted in relationship.

The Same Environment, Two Different Interpretations

As we talked, a bigger question surfaced: How can two people grow up in the same household and walk away with such different interpretations of the same experiences?

The developing Marine in me saw “training.” The older, more mature brother remembered “unnecessary pressure.” What I recognized as accountability, he remembered as abrasiveness.

This is where the term “dialectics” is relevant: two opposing experiences can be real at the same time.

That distinction matters—especially for parents and leaders reading this. Pressure can produce growth or harm depending on what surrounds it. Context matters. Pressure without presence (intentional engagement and connection in “normal” times). Leading with love, consistency, and pure intentions builds resilience.

In my case, expectations were paired with involvement. Every correction came with a conversation. We were extremely competitive, but it was anchored in loyalty to one another and a drive to see each other get better. I learned how to disagree without losing respect, how to compete without tearing others down, how to resolve conflict even when emotions ran high, and how to remain trustworthy in both high and low moments.

That environment didn’t break our family; it bonded us.

We talk daily, sharpen each other constantly, and celebrate one another’s wins (most recently, my youngest brother earned his PhD). Healthy competition sharpened us and has led to many successes.

Growth doesn’t require perfection. It requires parenting with intentionality and a commitment to repair.

My brother’s apology reminded me of something essential: growth happens on both sides of a relationship.

The fact that he reflected, took ownership, and initiated a hard conversation speaks volumes about the environment that shaped him, too. That accountability, empathy, and relational courage didn’t appear out of nowhere. That was learned.

Here’s the lesson I walked away with:

• Be intentional in your relationships. Use the resources you have—research, coaches, mentors, and community—to grow alongside the people you lead and love. Do the best you can with what you know at the time.
• Practice retrospection without self-condemnation. Reflection and introspection are essential for growth, but hindsight will always be clearer than the moment you were standing in. If you’re growing, your decisions today should be better informed than your decisions yesterday. Stop punishing yourself for not knowing what you know now.
• When in doubt, talk it out. This conversation wasn’t an indictment of my brother. It was evidence of maturity. Transparency, repair, and dialogue are signs of environments where mutual respect thrives.

What This Means for Families and Teams

Strong environments don’t (and shouldn’t) eliminate discomfort. They teach people how to navigate it together.

When we establish shared values, mutual respect, and communities that learn from one another, we create the conditions for lifelong relationships and sustainable growth. That’s true in families, on teams, and for the next generation watching how we lead today.

So here’s what I challenge you to reflect on:

What kind of environment are you creating? One that people will eventually need to apologize for, or one that gives them the tools to grow, reflect, and repair together?

#IntentionalParenting #EmotionalIntelligence #Resilience #ConflictResolution #Perspective

*Disclaimer: I’m sharing this with Dr. Clement Ogunyemi‘s permission.