There are many audacious claims out there! Some of them really make you scratch your head and wonder how people come up with this stuff. Well, I have my own that I’d like to share with you: we have rebranded the crow! I have made this claim in a couple of podcasts and live interviews and usually people ask, “wait, what does that even mean?” Allow me to explain.
Here’s what I used to think about the crow.:
I will never forget watching the movie “The Seventh Sign” when I was younger. That movie definitely spooked me! Here’s a link to the trailer if you don’t know what I’m talking about. I have never forgotten the quote, “Will you die for him?” I get chills just thinking about it. Another part of the movie that has persisted in my mind is the part where the main character (played by Demi Moore) dreamed of a crow while pregnant. This ominous sign, along with the rest of the plot, was enough to scare me away from crows! I didn’t want to see them, dream about them, or hear them! There was only one problem, the American Crow is one of the top ten most common birds in Louisiana. There are literally thousands of them! Even so, I did my best to avoid them.
My thoughts about the crow obviously changed.
You’re probably wondering, “How did the crow become the main character for your Amazon best-seller and the image for your brand?” That would be a logical question. In fact, Josh (the illustrator for Crow From the Shadow) asked the same question when I pitched him this crazy idea. I told him there were three reasons why I chose the crow.:
1. I wanted to make a winner out of a character who was unlikely to ever be the focal point or hero.
There are millions of children’s books out there, and I have probably read a thousand of them. From what I can recall, I have only seen the crow portrayed as a dark, ominous creature–primarily used in young adult literature to give an eerie feeling to the book. Josh did a phenomenal job of giving a similar, but age appropriate, aura in the beginning of Crow From the Shadow. The pages are dark, and is Crow almost consumed by “the Shadow.”
Where my story differs is Crow slowly begins to come out of that shadow, and “the Shadow” completely fades away by the end of the story as Crow learns that he had the power within to defeat “the Shadow” all along! The story begins dark and gloomy and ends with Crow being thrust into the light as he is enlightened!
The message is that all of us face “the Shadow,” no matter who, what, or where that may be for you. “The Shadow” always tells us what we can and cannot do, and it predetermines whether we will succeed or fail. But just like Crow who began in complete darkness, we have the power to defeat “the Shadow” once we identify its control over us and determine we will overcome the odds.
2. Many people prejudge a crow and predetermine its destiny.
I don’t know about you, but I had never even considered what a baby crow looks like. Have you ever seen a baby crow? It could be the most adorable bird in the world, but most of us would never know unless we actually intentionally researched it.
Many of us would agree that crows knock our trash over, drop road kill in our yard, damage crops, and make a lot of noise near our windows while we’re resting. For those reasons, we consider them annoyances or pests, and they will always be written off as such.
Ironically, that sounds like a lot of us depending on where we’re from, what we’ve done in the past, what people have told us, our disabilities, etc. My goal is to break that norm and give you the greatest power there is–the power of choice. No matter who says what, my goal is to empower you to choose to determine your own future! Which leads to my final point.
3. (The completion of my rebranding efforts.) The crow is now a common reminder that YOU control your own destiny!
I hope that you think of the encouraging message every time you see or hear a crow. No matter who you are, where you are from, or what people have told you, you can be and do whatever you put your mind to. So dream BIG and pursue your purpose! Just like Crow, you have the power to #defeattheshadow!
My wife, Brea, called me to share encouraging epiphanies she had while repainting my son’s bedroom. It was so encouraging, that I felt sharing was the “write” thing to do. Brea took on this project to really bring my son’s room to life! There’s only one problem; although she is painting the walls green, one part of this project is giving her “the blues.” We removed a rock wall that has (unfortunately) left a few small damages. These blemishes have made the project as a “hole” impossible to finish! I guess you could say, she’s been running into a wall.
Ok she didn’t give me permission to write these terrible puns. So let’s get to the point!
Brea made her experience a parabolic teaching. Here are the main points she conveyed.
Encouraging Epiphany #1: Use the proper tools.
After recognizing the holes left by the rock wall, Brea grabbed a butter knife, some spackling, and a small square of sandpaper left over from previous projects. This was definitely the economic solution which is usually my favorite because I’m cheap! In this case, there were better tools available. In fact, the wall repair patch kit came with a tub of spackling, a putty knife, a sanding block, and a self-adhesive mesh patch. She chose these tools because they were more easily accessible (i.e. she had to search for the rest of the wall repair kit.)
How does this apply to life?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever used a tool or resource not because it was the best for the job, but because it was convenient? *I just raised both of my hands!* For example, when Brea and I clash, the convenient tool is Facebook. I can vent my frustrations and get everyone to empathize with me. I’m sure that would (at least temporarily) make me feel better, but it would likely damage my relationship. The proper tool is a one-on-one communication session with Brea or even a guided session with a marriage counselor. This may not give me the immediate results I crave, but it gives me the best long-term results that I need.
Encouraging Epiphany #2: Follow the proper steps. Don’t Rush!
Patch, spackle, sand, prime, and paint. That is the order Brea knew to follow if she wanted to complete this project. She also knew that skipping or rushing through any of those steps could slow or impede progress. Of course like many of us who are eager to see the end result of our projects, she rushed anyway. She patched the hole and used her butter knife to cover it with spackling. Then, she waited until the next day, sanded with her tiny sanding square, primed, and painted. She definitely did all of the steps in the proper order, but there were a couple of problems. You could still easily see some of the holes, and for those you couldn’t see, you could see the glob of (now painted) dry spackling. “I guess I thought I could just paint over it and it would be smooth,” Brea said. Definitely not the desired end state.
How does this apply to life?
Whether we are working to improve a relationship, forming a new habit, battling an addiction, or doing anything in life, we know there are several steps we have to take to be successful. Failing to take these steps in the proper order may initially appear successful but may cause long-term damage. Similar to what Brea described, we rush and skip steps and try to cover up our faults. Doing so only creates recognizable “blobs.” These “blobs” reveal themselves as angry outbursts, unmanageable emotions, bad habits, obsession with your physical appearance, and more.
Epiphany #3: Some damages are larger than others.
This is a rather obvious observation when you’re staring at a wall with a little over a dozen holes in it. You don’t need a ruler or measuring tape to know that some holes are bigger, some holes aren’t a perfect circle, and some holes will require a greater repair. Brea looked at the wall and made the obvious conclusion that though the holes were similar, each hole required a unique patch job.
How does this apply to life?
Observing the differences in the holes on a physical wall is easy. Recognizing our internal mental, emotional, and spiritual damages is much more complex. There is no “one size fits all” solution when it comes to dealing with our internal hurts and pains. That’s why I encourage things like journaling and talking to a counselor. These are ways to capture our thoughts and emotions in a visual manner so we can address them accordingly. That initial observation is imperative before we can begin taking the proper steps towards living a better life!
I could do nothing but smile as I listened to Brea on the opposite end of the phone. It was amazing to hear what could’ve been a simple venting session transform into an encouraging interaction! I hope that these encouraging epiphanies caused you to reflect on your own emotional, mental, and spiritual “projects” or journeys. You can and will make it to a better you!
This thought stemmed from some recent thinking and studying I have been doing. Karma, “what goes around comes around,” and ideas like “generational curses” have always persisted in my mind and have likely influenced the way I lead my children. It was a daunting feeling that no matter what good I did or how apologetic I was, my children could suffer from my past mistakes. Ultimately, by educating myself, I encouraged and freed myself from my past mistakes. Now, I want to provide that same freeing philosophy to you!
These ideas impact our culture.
This philosophy is pervasive as it extends beyond our individual sins to something called “generational curses.” Many pastors will quickly quote scriptures like Exodus 20:5 NLT that reads, “…I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me.” They conclude that no matter what we do, we will pay for our prior generation’s sins. Some even take it further and say things like, “your child is sick because of sins you committed.” In other words, for example, we accept that if we grew up in a broken home, we ourselves will have broken homes. If our fathers were not around, we will never learn how to be great fathers. If our mothers never said, “I love you,” we will never be able to show our children affection. You see how this theology can impact an entire culture?
KARMA and Christianity
When considering this culture-impacting theology, we commonly use another word: KARMA. According to www.merriam-webster.com, KARMA is:
The force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person’s next existence.
Many Christians have adopted Karma and transformed it by saying, “you reap what you sow.” This quote is a paraphrased version of Galatians 6:7 KJV that reads: “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
My clear position: the Bible does not teach Karma or “generational curses.”
This may ruffle a few feathers, but I’ll be the first to tell you that the Bible doesn’t teach Karma or “generational curses”; the Bible teaches grace. To believe that each generation must pay for the previous generation’s sins is to accept generational curses and “punishments” for our sins as inevitable. If we view something as inevitable, we spend our lives preparing for the inevitable instead of leading well and living fulfilling lives. So why do these things continue to happen from generation to generation? Because we will them to happen in our lives!
Christianity is about grace.
The story of Jesus is about grace, not tick for tack or holding sins over your head to get you back through your children. Usually, people quote Exodus 20:5 as proof. However, I have three thoughts on that.:
1. Let’s bust a myth.
Ezekiel 18:20 NLT completely debunks the myth that our children will suffer consequences for our sins. It reads, “The person who sins is the one who will die. The child will not be punished for the parent’s sins, and the parent will not be punished for the child’s sins. Righteous people will be rewarded for their own righteous behavior, and wicked people will be punished for their own wickedness.”
Jesus also had a prolific example of this in John 9 when He healed the blind man. The disciples wondered if the man was blind from birth because of his sins or his parents sins (a reference to the old testament belief.) Jesus responded, “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins…This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.”
2. The Exodus 20 counterargument.
I acknowledge that scriptures like Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; and Deuteronomy 5:9 seemingly hurt my argument, but let’s hone in on this and examine it from a practical and scientific perspective. A child receives both positive and negative traits from his or her parents. Some of these traits are genetic and others are behaviors children learn over time.
For example, if both of my parents are athletic, I will likely be athletic. Similarly, if my parents are alcoholics, I am more likely to be an alcoholic. In both cases, the child can implement behaviors to impact these likely events. If the child chooses to consume a diet of honey buns and Dr. Pepper while refusing to exercise, he or she is less likely to be an athlete. A child has a better chance of not becoming dependent upon alcohol if he or she is treated for alcoholism before his or her brain’s biochemistry is altered. So it’s not the punishment for sin that transcends generations, it is effects of sin that transcend generations.
With that in mind, the above scriptures are a forewarning that we must be aware of the affect and influence we have on those we lead. However, the message of grace says that God still loves us and wants us to reconcile with Him no matter what we do. So if you choose to follow Him, there is no condemnation or looming punishments for your mistakes. (Romans 8:38-39; Romans 8:1) Does that mean we can live a life devoid of consequences? Absolutely not! For example, if you mistakenly fall asleep while driving, you will likely still have negative consequences. My point is God is not waiting to punish you and your children for your mistakes once you have repented. Through His sacrifice, Jesus accepted that punishment for us.
3. What about reaping what you sow?
I challenge you to go back and read each time the Bible mentions sowing and reaping in context. For example, in Galatians 6, the Bible continued to explain in verses 9-10:
My prayer for you.
My prayer is that my countercultural philosophy gives you hope. Your parents’ mistakes do not predetermine your fate. Your child’s fate predetermined by your mistakes. I wholeheartedly denounce unbiblical teachings of Karma and generational curses. I reject the attitude of defeatism that says, “my children will fail since I made so many mistakes.” Will your children sin and make mistakes? Yes, as we all do. Our job is to teach them the right way with our example. We will break the “generational curses” with a decision to use the many available resources out there to live more healthy and fulfilling lives. Live free from guilt and fear. Lead well!
You are breathing heavily, your heart is racing, your nose is flared, your body is tense, and you continue to replay what happened over and over. You’re disappointed, embarrassed, and most of all, angry. You know forgiveness is the answer, you have to demonstrate grace, and you must return to your jovial demeanor, but your continued rush of emotions seem to make it impossible to move on. You want to participate/contribute to the world continuing around you, but you do not know how to return. Your smile is broad but forced, and your words are few and shallow. You feel old instincts or habits returning that would satisfy your primal desires to express your anger but leave you hollow when you finish. You want to isolate yourself and not be bothered because you are mentally exhausted from giving everything you’ve got and receiving little in return.
Yeah, I’ve been there plenty of times. In fact, I wrote the above paragraph when I was angry. Those were my actual feelings and emotions at the time. The “old instincts or habits” I was referring to involved me lashing out on people, throwing stuff around, yelling into my pillow, or hitting or kicking an inanimate object (like a wall) which, in turn, caused me bodily harm. I used to tell people I had “anger issues,” which means that was the identity I assumed. It was a harmful stereotype that I willingly accepted. Anger and my subsequent response became addicting, so I knew I had to change.
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. However, many of us give up control of our response to anger. So that’s where we will focus today.
The anger stimulus-response model.
Frank Esser published an insightful article at the University of Zurich entitled, “Stimulus-Response Model.” Therein, he states, “Similar to higher animals, human beings are endowed at birth with a uniform set of instincts that guide their ways of responding to the world around them.” He continues to explain how mass media manipulates this instinctual behavior–which he describes as the stimulus-response model–to produce enticing content. Today, I want to offer a way that we can manipulate this same instinctual behavior to change our response to anger.
How humans differ from other animals.
Stimuli are events in the environment that influence behavior. Today we refer to these as “cues” and “triggers.” Unlike other animals, the beauty of human beings (or homo sapiens) is that we can influence this stimulus-response model through the application of free will or choice. In other words, where other animals instinctually respond to the stimuli around them, our brains are able to critically think about the various stimuli and develop a response based upon the environment we are in.
For example, when we feel hungry but we are on a diet, we are able to suppress those hunger pangs. Similarly, when we feel sleepy but we are driving, we choose to stay awake because it is not the appropriate time to sleep. Dr. M. Scott Peck has a funnier (but true) way to describe this phenomenon in his book, Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Towards Spiritual Growth.
People sometimes ask me the most impossible – for example. “Dr. Peck, what is human nature?” And because my parents raised me to be an obliging child, I try to come up with answers to such impossible questions, and first answer I give is: “Human nature is to go to the bathroom in your pants.”
It really is. That is exactly the way each one us started out, doing what came naturally and letting go whenever we felt like.
Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Towards Spiritual Growth by Dr. M. Scott Peck
As proven by millions of potty training toddlers each day, we have the ability to influence our personal stimulus-response cycle. Because of the brain’s plasticity (ability to change and adapt), we are able to develop “neural pathways.” According to https://www.merriam-webster.com/, a neural pathway is “a series of connected nerves along which electrical impulses travel in the body.” This is an important concept in psychology because these neural pathways are our brains’ way of automatically responding to stimuli (which is received by one or more of our five senses).
For example, when I smell food (cue) after I have gone a few hours without any (cause), the response is usually a growling stomach (reaction). So, I decide to turn into a restaurant parking lot in response to my hunger pangs. As I prepare to turn, I observe a car speeding up (cue) to prevent me from turning first (cause). My automatic response is to become irritated, shake my fist, and yell, “you idiot!”(reaction) Get this, the only intentional or “conscious” decision I made in this process was to go to the restaurant. The rest was predetermined by the neural pathways I developed over time. This is one of our brain’s many efficient ways to save energy.
How to develop neural pathways to change our response to anger.
1. Take inventory. Identify cues (events that signal the brain to react), causes (reasons why the cues exist and trigger certain reactions), and reactions (the actions you take as a result of the cues).
For about a week, I want you to do the same thing I did in the above scenarios. Don’t cheat, justify, judge yourself, or change anything. Just record your cues, causes, and reactions to as many automatic processes as you can–especially those that ended with you being angry. If you happen to be driving at the time, turn on your voice recorder and do a voice log. Whatever you do, it is important that you capture as much data as possible.
2. Limit or eliminate the cues.
Of course this is easier said than done in some cases. In my above scenario, I cannot remove the people who will cut me off in traffic. It would be absurd for me to think or suggest otherwise. However, there are many other examples of cues we can either limit or eliminate. For example, I already know there are certain times of day where I will be hungry. If my goal is to avoid eating out to save money, perhaps I can avoid driving down “restaurant boulevard” during the times I’m likely to be hungry. This simple rerout will avoid the luring smells, giant pictures of food everywhere, and the entertaining guy with the sign advertising my favorite happy hour sale.
The book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear describes a similar concept to remove negative habits. Since we naturally gravitate towards the more convenient option, make it harder to encounter your negative cues.
3. Identify the cause.
This is the psychological step, and it feeds your cues. This step is extremely important because there are many cues you cannot limit or eliminate. Even if you could, I have always advocated for running towards something, not simply avoiding things. The cause is what gives your cue relevance. That’s why this step is arguably the most critical.
We can start with the most rudimentary example. I felt the urge to go use the bathroom (cue). Why? I am doing the gallon-a-day water challenge to ensure I get an adequate amount of water each day (cause). Of course, we know the reaction is to actually go to the bathroom.
Let’s look at the other scenario. I observed a car speeding up to cut me off (cue). Earlier I identified, “to prevent me from turning first” as the cause. Some of you probably scratched your head wondering how that caused the cue. Allow me to explain.
In my mind, this fella personally attacked me! Although it was my turn to go, he intentionally sped up to prevent me from turning. In doing so, he delayed my day. What an idiot!
I know I’m not the only one who has thought this before. Seeing some of the drivers’ reactions in Boston, New York, and Washington D.C. earlier this year proves me right!
4. Address the cause.
Regardless of how many of you agree that the above driver is idiotic, our assumption that the driver personally attacked us is irrational. But to strengthen our argument, let’s say he did personally attack us. My mom used to tell me, “if you let people know which buttons to press to make you angry, they will press them every time.” In other words, some people get a thrill out of seeing you angry. I believe they crave the ability to control you.
Whoa, so these external factors (including people) want to control you?! That’s right!
5. Regain control.
If you haven’t noticed by now, a cue with no cause produces no reaction. In other words, the way you perceive your cue is what causes the reaction.
Capture your thoughts. This means we have to be active in our approach. Don’t just allow your thoughts to run wildly because those thoughts feed our emotions and those emotions feed our actions and those actions feed our identity. This is why we started by taking inventory. SEE what you think. That means we are creating a new cue to gain control of our reactions.
Ask the 5 Whys. In “How do you Respond to Rejection and Failure?” I introduced a concept called the “5 Whys.” Simply put, this is how we get to the root of our perspective. This time, instead of using the Stone Cold Steve Austin fan approach of asking “why,” I want you to ask, “why does this matter to me?” I’ll use my “cause” from above, but I challenge you to use your own “cause” list.
That guy cut me off!
Why does this matter to me?
Because it was my turn!
Why does this matter to me?
Because it isn’t fair.
Why does this matter to me?
Because he’s taking advantage of me.
Why does this matter to me?
Because I’m tired of being taken advantage of.
Why does this matter to me?
Because I know my worth, and I don’t like when people make me feel like I’m less than I’m worth.
Reframe your thoughts
I believe we’ve made it to the root, and from that root spawns many thoughts, emotions, and causes. Take that root to your counselor and work with him or her to develop new neural pathways. For me, I’ve worked to reprogram that cue. So instead of yelling and shaking my fist at the guy who cut me off, I use that cue as a reminder that I am worth a lot, and no one (including the random people I encounter in traffic) can take that away from me. In doing so, I have intentionally changed my response from anger to calmness and happiness.
This isn’t magic or just some feel good mumbo jumbo. Trust me, developing new neural pathways doesn’t happen over night. Just keep practicing and give yourself some time.
Change = Steady progress over time
I want to end with this analogous encouragement. When hiking a mountainenous trail, you may be confident and sure of your next step, until that next step causes you to slip and fall. Stand up, brush yourself off, and keep hiking. Regain the momentum that you started building before the slip. When you start again, your legs may feel a little stiff, you may feel embarrassed, and you may be a little bruised from the fall, but keep hiking. This is especially important to remember in the beginning when you fall multiple times. Remember this, you may have lost a little momentum, but you didn’t lose progress. In other words, the only time you lose progress is when you intentionally turn around and hike back downhill (relapse).
You are reading this because you want to change and/or improve. Stay focused and keep progressing towards a better you!
Whether you are a parent, teacher, mentor, or in any other leadership position, there is one thing that we all need: discipline! We need self-discipline and must demand discipline from those we lead (that includes our children).
The first image that pops in my head when I think of the word “discipline” is the iconic U.S. Marine Corps drill instructor. That’s partly because every drill instructor probably says the word a million times. In fact, one of the first things the senior drill instructor tells his or her recruits at Marine Corps Recruit Depot (aka “boot camp”) is, “Discipline and spirit are the hallmarks of a Marine. Each one of you can become a Marine if you develop discipline and spirit.” Although it would be the absolute worst time to ask, a recruit may be wondering, “Sir, what is discipline?” So that’s where I will begin.
My thoughts on discipline.
As a guy who grew up in the south, I have always heard, “spare the rod, spoil the child” or as Ms. Trunchbull said in Matilda, “My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that’s my motto.” Both of these are a spin off of the biblical verse in Proverbs 13:24 that says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
I recognize that I probably just split my audience in two. One group’s pants just dropped as they ripped their belt from their waist and said, “that’s what I’m talking about!” The other is ready to just stop reading and give me a thumbs down. Either way, I am here to neither condemn nor endorse a particular disciplinary method. My goal is to simply provide my take on discipline. After you finish reading, I encourage you to research and develop disciplinary methods that will work for the people you are leading.
What is “discipline”:
My thoughts on discipline are a result of several things. First, my upbringing and life experiences as a U.S. Marine officer, parent, and mentor. Next, the books I’ve read like “Quiet Strength” by Tony Dungy , “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, “It Worked for Me: In Life and Leadership” by Colin Powell, and many others. Most recently, I discussed discipline in my home Bible study group with other U.S. Marines (who happen to be special operators and fathers themselves).
Discipline is both a noun and a verb that is defined in numerous sources as “the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” In verb form, there is an even more direct definition that says, “punish or rebuke (someone) formally for an offense.”
Seems pretty clear that discipline is all about training by applying painful consequences!
Before we commit to that logic, let’s take a look at the root of the word.
The word “discipline” is from the Latin word “discipulus,” meaning “pupil, learner.” “Discipulus” is also the source of a familiar English word “disciple” which means “one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another.” As you continue to follow the word “discipulus,” you will find it also produced the Latin word, “disciplīna” which means “teaching, instruction, branch of study, orderly conduct based on moral training.” Here’s where it gets interesting, “disciplīna” produced the Middle English word “discipline” which we have already defined. The interesting part is now the word “chastisement” or “punishment” was introduced in 13th century religious practices. To me, that means the word lost its purity over time as various teaching methods were introduced.
My counter cultural belief.
Aside from quotes like Ms. Trunchbull’s in the early 1990s, you will hear quotes like “pain retains” when discussing discipline today. Even so, I submit that if we truly want to achieve the ultimate goal, which is for our followers to develop self-discipline, we must return to the root of the word. With that in mind, my belief can be summarized by the quote below.
I believe the above authors would agree that punishmentcreates immediate conformity, but again, the goal should be self-discipline, which is a long-term objective. I define self-discipline as the continued application of lessons learned regardless of the circumstance or level of supervision.
My personal example
Sometimes, immediate conformity is necessary. For example, my 3 year old was innocently wandering towards the street. I rushed over, physically stopped her, and sternly commanded, “do not go into the street!” After doing this three to four times, one would assume that discipline by physical means or punishment was achieved. To that, I’d agree. My daughter (the pupil) has learned that I am willing to use physical force to immediately stop her from walking into the street. Many leaders would stop there–assuming the child has received the appropriate instruction and has adequate discipline. The immediate question I would ask is, “what happens when Dad is not around?”
In this case, I needed instant conformity to stop my daughter from wandering into a dangerous situation to prevent a potentially fatal outcome. However, as the instructor who is looking to help the pupil develop discipline, my work does not stop there. I must help her accept my teachings by making it relevant to her. Then, and only then, has she achieved self-discipline. In this example, I showed her how fast the car is going and explained how dangerous it is to walk into the road. When we passed vehicle accidents, I showed her how people could get injured and how vehicles were ruined. Now, she corrects me if she doesn’t see me check both ways before crossing the road. Self-discipline has been achieved.
Effective discipline leads to self-discipline.
If discipline is training your followers to accept what you or your organization believe to be right, then (as I said before) self-discipline is the consistent application of these lessons regardless of the circumstance. For example, I wasn’t the best free throw shooter in high school. In fact, I shot around 65-70% accuracy. I remember the coach telling us, “free throws are FREE!” In other words, the free throw is the only uncontested shot in basketball.
Of course like many other teams, we ran for missed free throws. Though it helped me get in better shape, running had very little impact on my free throw shooting accuracy. What forced me to change was my realization that my poor free throw shooting could be the difference between a win and a loss. That realization encouraged me to practice. Many great free throw shooters will tell you that the secret to shooting more accurately is to do the same thing every time. That means from the way you wipe your sweat to the way you bend your legs to the way you breathe to the way you release the basketball. These factors (and more) contribute to your accuracy. My free throw shooting percentage significantly improved when I learned to consistently apply my coach’s shooting instructions. This is what developing discipline is all about–consistently applying instructions regardless of circumstances for your benefit and the benefit of the entire family or organization.
How to lead others to develop discipline.
I wouldn’t dare claim this is an all-encompassing list, but here are my thoughts on how you can lead others to develop discipline.
1. Set the example!
One of my favorite phrases is, “more is caught than taught.” In other words, people want to see their leaders practicing what they are teaching. Leaders must have self-discipline before they can discipline others.
2. It’s a team effort.
In case you haven’t realized it yet, you have an integral role in helping others develop self-discipline. I know Hollywood would have us believe that we can climb Mount Fuji shirtless to find ourselves and develop discipline, but that’s not reality. For example, U.S. Marine Corps drill instructors don’t allow recruits to just wander around for thirteen weeks until they find this mythical thing called “discipline.” The drill instructors lead the recruits on a physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional journey and allow them to graduate once they demonstrate self-discipline.
3. Repetition is key.
I elaborate on this in a previous blog post entitled “Establishing Winning Habits.” Therein, I said, “You are what you repeat.” Which means we have to teach our followers to practice applying the instructions we provide. That is the only way to influence habitual behavior.
4. Be consistent and persistent.
I have had the opportunity to peak behind the curtains at Marine Corps boot camp. From that experience, I can tell you that some recruits require longer than thirteen weeks to develop self-discipline. That means that some recruits graduate with a different company than they started with. However, as long as the recruit (pupil) refuses to give up, the team at the Marine Corps Recruit Depots will continue to lead that recruit. This same logic applies to any pupil. Everyone is different, so that means you may have to train them longer (or shorter) than you expected. Remain consistent and persistent in your teachings.
5. Reward and hold accountable.
There are numerous studies that conclude that living beings respond positively to being rewarded for doing well. But, we cannot ignore the other half of the equation–accountability. Celebrate successes and quickly correct deficiencies. That is the best way to ensure someone accepts your instructions.
6. Prioritize education and explain the “why.”
This is one of the most important factors to encourage others to accept your instructions. As a leader, telling your followers what to do is easy, but great leaders understand that educating followers by explaining the “why” is what allows the followers to consistently apply the teachings regardless of the circumstance. Help your followers understand why your instructions are relevant to the family or organization as a whole, and help your followers understand why your instructions are relevant to them individually.
There are a few key points that I want you to take with you today. Self-discipline is the ultimate goal. That requires leaders to lead their followers on a journey towards developing self-discipline. Along this journey, it’s imperative that leaders research and develop disciplinary methods that will adequately contribute to the overall goal. In the end, discipline is what will ensure your family’s or organization’s success. It is up to you to instill that discipline.
Today is a great day, because I get to introduce two new FREE downloadable resources to my lineup! Both of these journal-style guides are created to help you along your mental, spiritual, and emotional journey! And since I was feeling so good, I decided to add a BONUS to help you along your physical journey!
What’s the catch?
I wanted to put the “catch” up front, because that’s where I prefer it when I read headlines like this. Of course I would love for you to peruse the website, buy a couple of books, and subscribe to my email list; HOWEVER, there is no catch! Navigate to https://parent-child-connect.com/free-resources/ and click “download.” In fact, I will even include download links in this blog post.
Wait, why would I do that? It’s simple: I care more about providing usable resources than anything else. Or “#purposeoverprofit” as I say on social media. Having a huge mailing list and selling a bunch of my awesome books is great, but I am committed to making parent-child-connect.com a one-stop-shop for everything you need to be inspired, resourced, and empowered to lead your children! So if that means I have to make a line-up of free downloadable resources, I will!
With that in mind, feel free to subscribe and check out my books (whether in my store or on Amazon).
Now, let’s talk about why you’re reading this: the FREE Downloadable Resources!
Welcome to the The Road to Financial Success guide! The “road to financial success” is always a hot topic, but many of us still find it hard to manage our finances. I mean really, it is such a thrill to find a good sale, right?!
Yep, it’s all fun and games until we blow a proverbial tire (i.e. we run out of money before we run out of bills). That’s usually when reality sets in.
Some of us have no problem avoiding sales because we hate large crowds, standing in line, keeping up with the latest trends, or spending money in general… But then here comes this old crazy lady named “Sallie Mae” who just wants to rob us blind for trying to better ourselves. Trust us–been there, done that, and paid enough for thousands of t-shirts but ol’ Sallie never sent us one.
We’ve got news for you: there is hope! We are going to give you some tips that will put you well on your way towards achieving financial success! Just think of us as your friendly roadside assistance technicians. We will help you change that blown tire and navigate towards a bright financial future! And get this: none of this is a secret! Many people (including us) have embarked on this challenging but exciting journey and have come out better. Share this guide with everyone you know, and let’s journey towards financial success together!
Welcome to the four-day “Distractions Causing Distance [From God]” journal!
There is no greater oxymoron for people-loving extroverts (like me) than “social distancing!” Society has adopted this methodology to keep us safe, but I—like most—miss sharing the love of God through a warm embrace.
What if I told you that there is a type of “distancing” that [ironically] can actually cause us harm? That is a distant relationship with our heavenly Father.
There is hope! Join me in this four-day devotion as we discuss how to defeat three daily distractions that distance us from Christ!
This is one of my most common questions. That’s ok, download anyway! I’m not here to attempt to convert you. I’m using my personal spiritual beliefs as a foundation for the practical advice I give. With that in mind, my advice has universal application regardless of your religious beliefs or affiliations. If you believe you were created for a purpose greater than yourself, this journal is for you!
This has been one of my most popular blog topics, so I figured I should make it a downloadable resource! I created this workout plan for a U.S. Marine who wanted to improve his pull-ups and upper-body strength. Since I receive this question so often, I knew it would be a popular topic! Enjoy!
Welcome to the #DEFEATTHESHADOW Journal! You may have noticed that I vaguely defined The Shadow as any opposing force that exists to stop us from achieving success in my best-seller “Crow From the Shadow.” This resource teaches you how to defeat The Shadow and achieve success!
The strategies in this journal will help you regain control of your choices and your destiny! This is an excellent resource for all ages, so parents, teachers, and mentors, feel free to use this journal to guide your children on their own personal journey toward success! Ultimately, I want everyone to understand, YOU determine your own future!
The Three Day Mental Health Guide: Major Payne Edition
Welcome to the Three Day Mental Health Guide: Major Payne Edition! In this guide, you will learn strategies to raise mentally tough children. I initially created this guide with the “father-son” relationship in mind; however, I quickly realized that readers can apply the strategies discussed within to any relationship!
This guide is broken into three different sections: Day 1-“A Tough Topic;” Day 2- “Time to Break the Mold!;” and Day 3- “The ‘Major Payne’ Leadership Model.” On Day 1, we focus on the importance of discussing mental health—a topic that is considered taboo in numerous homes. On Day 2, we dispel the myths associated with society’s view of masculinity and mental toughness. Finally, on Day 3, we discuss the “Major Payne” leadership model that we can apply to be effective leaders. Each section ends with a prompt to get your wheels turning.
Parents, teachers, and mentors, this is an excellent resource for all ages so feel free to use this guide to lead your children on their own personal journey towards excellent mental health. Together, we can build mentally tough children who excel at whatever they put their minds to!
Hi guys! I am Joshua Ogunyemi aka Josh O. Not only is Olaolu my little brother, but I illustrated the Amazon best-seller Crow From the Shadow and Billy Dipper’s Time to Shine. Today, I want to post a few words of wisdom I shared on June 13, 2021 that explains how our faith in God and our power to heal has started us on a journey to victory! Feel free to watch the video, read the blog, or both! Please note: I made some slight edits to the written version to ensure it flows well. Enjoy!
Our Journey to Victory: The Power to Heal
Introduction: Keep smiling!
“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, smile. If you’re happy and you know it, smile. If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. If you’re happy and you know it, smile!”
Now, why did I start with that song? Well, I thought it was important for y’all to see your brother smiling even while in this struggle.
We still have our faith. We still have our hope. We’re still standing, trusting, and believing in God’s Word. I can think of so many times we had to rely on a smile, a laugh, and the joy of the Lord which has always been our strength. That strength that kept us going. It empowers us every day and gives us the strength to bounce back and keep going (NO MATTER WHAT)! So, I thought it was important for you to see us smile.
Smile every day. Smile like you mean it! You may have had a tough week and for some, it’s a struggle just trying to get a smile through. Whatever you do, just smile. Remember that “the JOY of the Lord IS [your] STRENGTH.” We had to hold on to our smile through all the highs and lows on our journey to victory!
Our gifts were made for this moment…YOU were made for this moment!
If you are a parent, guardian, caregiver, family member, or anyone else connected to someone challenged with a developmental disability or “special need,” it is important for you to appreciate, honor, love, cherish, and labor with them. Why? Because it brings out the best in you. It helps you tap in and begin to transform situations that you previously couldn’t transform. It enables you to impact situations in your life that you previously couldn’t control.
It’s through our many challenges that we “stir up the gift that is in [us].” And what is this gift that is in us? Well, I’d like to submit to you that that gift is the POWER to HEAL. I want to encourage you— anyone who may come in contact with someone who requires special needs. YOU have the power to heal. YOU are anointed for this.
When God blesses you to come into contact with a person overcoming physical and mental challenges, make no mistake about it, YOU were chosen for the assignment. YOU were hand-picked for the mission. Not only that, YOU are equipped for the mission. YOU are built for this, and God trusts YOU. He made YOU the executor of his estate.
What does that mean? It means He trusts you to be informed and make sound decisions regarding your family member and their health and safety. It means He trusts you to make the right move and get the job done.
The doctor who witnessed it all.
I’m so proud that earlier this year, we were able to visit one of the doctors who previously gravely said, “She’s a very sick baby…” He saw her after she was born at 23 weeks at one pound and three ounces. She had survived the passing of her identical twin sister and had suffered a Stage 4 hemorrhage–the worst form of bleeding from the brain. At that time, her body was too fragile to undergo the life-saving surgery that would keep her alive, so the surgical staff had to use a needle to withdraw fluid from her brain to reduce the pressure and swelling. More than one of those doctors encouraged us to terminate care.
They wanted us to terminate care, but we remained hopeful.
I’m so proud that we chose to stand in faith and believe God. I love it when my wife tells this story, because it’s by far the most gangster thing I’ve ever said. The messed up part is I really don’t even remember it! The doctors came to us and said, “we’ve pretty much done all we can do… It’s essentially our efforts keeping her alive [and] it’s probably best if you let her go.” My wife recalls that I responded, “Y’all do what y’all do, and we’ll do what we do, which is to pray and stand on God’s Word.” That wouldn’t mean anything if we didn’t have the evidence here with us today. This proves that standing on God’s Word WORKS!
Faith in Action
God trusts you to get the job done. When you acknowledge Him, He will give you direction. He trusts you and has anointed you to heal. It’s our responsibility as the able-body folks to not leave our loved ones in the conditions we found them in. It’s our responsibility to heal them.
Many of us are familiar with the biblical story about a rich ruler who divided up talents among his workers and left town for a while. When he came back, the two he gave multiple talents to gave him back more than what he had given them. But, there was one who gave him back the same talent that he had been given. The Master was displeased with the servant who did nothing to multiply his talent. Why? Because God wants us to take our situations–the gift that He’s given us–and give him back more! So again, let’s use our power to heal!
God works through us!
Now don’t get it twisted. It’s the power of God that heals bodies, makes the lame walk, makes the blind see, and mends the broken hearts. He cures sickness and disease and sets the captive free, but it is by our hands that he causes these miracles to be. It’s by our hands that he manifests these miraculous signs and wonders. The Bible says God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or even think according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:20). So it’s by our hands that manifestation happens.
Jesus said, “believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do… anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works…You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father.” (John 14:11-13 NLT)
So yes, it is God who does the work, but it’s by our hands that he manifests. By doing so, God gets the glory.
In Acts 14 Paul and Barnabas travel town to town speaking God’s word. When they came to a particular town, they encountered a man “with crippled feet. He had been that way from birth, so he had never walked. He was sitting and listening as Paul preached. Looking straight at him, Paul realized he had faith to be healed.” (Acts 14:8-9 NLT) So Paul called to him in a loud voice, “Stand up!” And the man jumped to his feet and started walking. (Acts 14:10 NLT)
What am I saying? We have that same power to heal.
Remember the doctor I told you about?
Yep, one of the few who thought that turning down the assignment was even an option. We visited him earlier this year–seven years later. He was amazed by Kennedy’s cognitive ability and her speech. He had some questions! This doctor remembered her brain scans all too well. It looked like she didn’t have a chance! He remembered the conversation we had. You know, the one where he encouraged us to terminate care.
That same doctor now said that based upon what he saw, Kennedy shouldn’t be this far along. She shouldn’t be doing the things that she’s doing. As a matter of fact, they thought she wouldn’t make it. They expected her to be severely retarded and unable to walk or talk. He originally told us that she’d be a vegetable collecting SSI and we’d need a lifetime of medicine, machines, oxygen, and around-the-clock care.
Kennedy’s [our] journey to victory!
Instead, after six months of being in the NICU, she came home with no equipment, oxygen, medicine, etc. It was almost like she just came home and said, “that was it?” Today, Kennedy is on the A/B Honor Roll, promoting to the third grade, and can even count to ten in Spanish! She sleeps comfortably in her own room–in her own bed–and she is a prayer warrior. Kennedy quotes scriptures and recites positive affirmations every day. She will also get you together, whether you ask for it or not.
I will end with this: the doctor told us that he believes Kennedy would have had all the previously mentioned side effects had she been in any other hands. Why is this important? Because I believe our journey to healing begins when we realize our power to heal and transform any situation!
Please continue to pray for me and my family, and I will do the same for you and yours.
About Josh O., the author of “Our Journey to Victory: The Power to Heal”
“Josh O.” is a devoted husband, dad, mentor, author, and entrepreneur. He is proof that faith, courage, and determination will outlast even the toughest challenges. His story has inspired many, exemplifying spiritual and mental toughness, defying every challenge he’s had to face.
Despite losing a child, extended periods of unemployment, failures, financial problems, the everyday pressures of marriage and fatherhood, and raising a child with special needs, he has become a champion of challenging situations and encourages others to do the same.
Josh’s book “tough times don’t last, TOUGH PEOPLE DO” is a must read! Josh shows you how to turn your hard times Into THRIVING times with just 9 Key habits.
“IMAGINE YOU HAD A BLUEPRINT– A guide to help you during hard times. YOU can come out ON TOP! You just need the tools to help get you there.” -Josh O
I believe I received this shirt on Father’s Day in 2015. As you can tell by the wear and tear, it’s one of my favorite shirts. I don’t remember exactly what I said when my family handed it to me, but it was probably something like, “that’s right!” Yeah teaching children to be inquisitive is important, but not more important than doing what I say when I say it! I even ran into an older gentleman who read my shirt and said, “Hey, I would do what you say too.”
“That’s right!” I thought. “You see these biceps?! These back up my authority. You do what I say, when I say it. Why? Because I said so!” Some of you are beating your chest and wondering where you can buy one of these shirts. Others are ready to vomit. Nowadays, I agree with the latter group. “Because I said so” is easy to say (and wear), but it’s actually quite shallow and it can potentially squelch a child’s inquisitive spirit. We’ll discuss more, but before we dive in, we have to answer two important questions: 1. What does it mean to be inquisitive? 2. Why is it important to raise children who are inquisitive?
What does it mean to be inquisitive?
To be inquisitive is to be curious and extremely interested in learning new things. Typically, inquisitive people have an insatiable desire to know more about any given topic. For example, my son [randomly] asked me the following questions last week: 1. Why is the sun so bright? 2. Why is a Rip current called a “Rip” current? 3. Why do we say “bless you” when people sneeze?
I know that as soon as I mentioned the word “curious,” some of you thought about this old quote:
Curiosity killed the cat.
A lot of people
My ten minute Google search tells me that this quote originated in the 1598 play, Every Man in His Humour, written by the English playwright Ben Jonson. Since, it’s been used as a forewarning for those who are inquiring about or expressing curiosity in something that may result in trouble. Over the years, this quote has been used to keep people from interfering in others’ affairs. Of course this quote has also been used to discourage children from asking “too many” questions about anything. I even remember as I stared at a lifeless cat in the middle of the road, someone told me, “See? Curiosity killed that cat!” Sounds like a pretty compelling argument if you ask me.
Why is it important to encourage children to be inquisitive?
In true Olaolu fashion, I’d like to offer you an alternative to the previous quote:
Let’s use the same scenario above. Some argue that the cat died because he was too curious. He met an inevitably fatal ending because he was satisfying his naturally inquisitive mind. Well, I’d like to offer that the cat wouldn’t have wandered into the road in front of a car if he had known it could end his life. In other words, his fatal outcome was based upon his ignorance, not his inquisitive mind.
It’s not all life or death situations though. There are many other benefits to encouraging our children to be inquisitive.
Here are a few benefits.
It broadens their perspective on current events.
It gives them a desire to know more about life, science, religion, etc.
It helps to develop their critical thinking skills.
It helps develop their perspective and opinions.
It sparks their mind to conduct analytical processes.
It teaches them to remain open minded.
It gives them confidence as they learn new things.
It teaches them to think freely and explore their thoughts and emotions.
It creates another teachable and memorable moment for you with your children. That’s what my entire parent-child-connect (P2C) platform is all about!
So now for the million dollar question:
How do you raise inquisitive children?:
1. Ask questions.
It’s no secret that I’m a huge advocate for setting the example. That is our job as leaders and mentors. The more our children see us asking questions, the more they will be inclined to do the same. Your example also teaches them the appropriate time, forum, and method to ask questions. For example, if your significant other says something and you yell back, “Why do I need to do that?!” Expect your child to do the same.
2. Give answers based upon fact.
Children may be naïve, but they’ll eventually realize if you’re just making stuff up. It’s ok to say, “I don’t know. Let me read more about that and get back to you.” It may even be a great opportunity for you to learn together! In any case, give them factual information.
3. Teach them where to find answers and how to conduct research.
I’m sure we have all heard this proverb.:
If you give a man a fish he is hungry again in an hour. If you teach him to catch a fish you do him a good turn.
Anne Isabella Thackeray Ritchie
I’m not encouraging you to hand them a dictionary or an encyclopedia, and tell them to “go figure it out.” I am encouraging you to show them how and where to gather information. Encourage them to read! This is why I include fun facts and educational material in my children’s books. Not only is this skill transferrable to the classroom, but it teaches your child how to examine perspectives and analyze information before developing their opinion.
4. Listen to them and be patient.
Patience is another topic I discuss regularly. It is a critical part of any relationship, and it’s impossible to raise inquisitive children without patience! It takes time for them to ask questions that they perceive to be complex. The fact that they don’t know how to ask the complex question makes asking the question that much harder.
Relax. Give them time to ask the question, and if they need a little help forming the question (i.e. they are struggling to form the words), gently help them. Whatever you do, don’t rush them or cut them off mid-sentence. Take time to hear their question, and give them an age-appropriate answer that they can comprehend.
5. Encourage them to ask questions.
This is a pretty simple concept. If you want your children to be more inquisitive, encourage them to be more inquisitive. Sometimes, they may be scared to ask questions. Maybe there’s a guy yelling and wearing a worn out t-shirt that says, “because I said so!” I say that tongue-in-cheek to make fun of myself, but you get the point. Be aware of what you say about and your disposition towards your children when they are being inquisitive.
Their inquisitive mind is constantly expanding as they learn about and take in the world around them. Your children’s life-long experiences and opinions will be based upon what they learn and perceive to be true. Their willingness to ask questions and challenge the norm will inevitably make them catalysts for change. And ultimately, that change will drive us to a brighter future.
I’ve often felt like an outsider in multiple areas and at various times in my life. For example, although my siblings were born in vicinity of New Orleans, I was born in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. We started off in the East of New Orleans then moved to the Westbank in Algiers, and even then, we attended school in St. Bernard Parish because that’s where my father taught.
My parents uprooted us from our home 17 years ago as Hurricane Katrina ravaged through my hometown. I assumed we were just evacuating for the weekend until my family enrolled us in school the following Friday in rural North Louisiana. Once again, I found myself feeling like an outsider as I settled in and remained there throughout my adolescent years.
That’s one reason I’ve come to realize that adapting to any given situation is second nature to me. It’s all I’ve known for a very long time. I continue to search for who I am in spite of who I’ve become as a result of the continual changes. Was I designed to be the perpetual outsider?
To answer that question, I turn to Proverbs 18:16
Just as height, coordination, and athleticism are advantageous to those who are gifted in sports; perspective, comprehension, and communication cultivate the various gifts inside of you. With that in mind, Proverbs 18:16 takes on a different meaning for me. Your gifts may open the door for you, but the environment you enter helps produce the skills you need to grow the gifts within you.
Your gifts may open the door for you, but the environment you enter helps produce the skills you need to grow the gifts within you.
Full circle: The Outsider’s Advantage
On the anniversary of the biggest adjustment of my life, I choose to ignore hypotheticals. Instead, I will focus on my growth, the growth of the city I love, and the growth of everyone else affected by the hurricane. Though we are still putting pieces back together in a multitude of ways 17 years later, the strength, endurance, and resiliency that came as a result cannot be ignored.
One of my favorite sayings is “Perspective is everything, and everything is relative.” Meaning, your outlook on any given thing or situation is all based upon your experience and opinion. That outlook could be very difficult to garner if you’ve maintained an unvarying viewpoint for an extended period of time… So maybe being an outsider in multiple areas and at different times of my life isn’t so bad after all.
Hello! I know some of you will click this expecting some form of optical illusion or a trivial search. I can assure you that I’m not trying to point your attention towards anything in particular. Instead, I want to introduce two kinds of people who differ based upon their perspective and why each is important.
Last weekend, my wife and I went to watch Kevin Hart in Raleigh, NC. (It’s a hilarious show by the way, but that’s not the point of this post). The pictures you see were taken from our viewpoint in our hotel room. One picture is what I immediately saw, and the other is what my wife immediately saw. While staring out of the window, I told her, “if you look down, you will be disappointed, but if you look up and out, you’ll see the beauty.” How romantic. Here I am spewing out a philosophical observation when we were supposed to be just taking in the view. She simply (and accurately) responded, “sounds like you have your next post.”
She was right!
At first thought, I thought I would discuss how important the “up-and-out” perspective was. Then something hit me: the “down-and-in” perspective is crucial to our success. So let’s talk about how both perspectives are mutually supporting.
The “up-and-out” perspective
You have probably heard this story, but I’ll share anyway! Sir Christopher Wren is the famous architect responsible for numerous reconstruction projects following the Great Fire in London in 1666. One of his most prolific masterpieces is the St Paul’s Cathedral. Legend has it that one day during construction, Christopher Wren observed three bricklayers hard at work. Christopher Wren posed a simple question to these three men, “What are you doing?” One bricklayer responded, “I’m a bricklayer. I’m working hard laying bricks to feed my family.” The second bricklayer responded, “I’m a builder. I’m building the walls of a church.” The third brick layer responded, “I’m a cathedral builder. I’m building a great cathedral to The Almighty.”
This is when most of the self-help books and blogs stop to praise the latter of the three men. This man has the up-and-out perspective, and he understands the big picture. People like him can usually keep a positive attitude in the worst situations, because they can forecast a positive outcome. Conversely, they can warn you of impending danger regardless of how positive the current situation is. Can you understand why a large amount of self-help literature recommends this perspective? This person sounds awesome, right? Let’s check how this individual interacts with the “down-and-in” perspective.
Interaction with the down-and-in perspective.
Are you actually going to pretend you don’t see that literal pile of trash right there?
I think this quote accurately captures the kind of conversation I have at least once a week with my wife (😂). The up-and-out perspective person needs this reminder. Because they can often accurately predict the future, they easily become unrealistic. In other words, if untethered, the up-and-out perspective person can set lofty and unachievable goals. Also, their constant positive attitude or sense of foreboding can become exhausting. Sometimes, they need the down-and-in perspective people to ground them and help them embrace the moment.
Another important note is the up-and-out person often likes to document their thoughts (i.e. budgets, schedules, personnel tracking estimates, etc.) This can feel overwhelming to the down-and-in person and they’ll feel the up-and-out person is overbearing and too controlling.
The “down-and-in” perspective
This group of people represents the other two workers in our St Paul story. I always imagine that while Mr. Up-and-out is taking a break to lean on his shovel and admire his work, the down-and-in bricklayers keep working to meet the day’s timeline. They are all about doing the immediate work it takes to get the job done.
Because they have the down-and-in perspective, they can usually identify immediate dangers or opportunities. They are also more apt to embrace the moment –whether positive or negative. Their perspective may initially seem brash or uncalled for, but it can help inform future decisions.
Interaction with the other.
I live in the future!
This is another weekly quote from our conversations. Down-and-in perspective people can often seem like “Debbie Downers.” The down-and-in people usually provide valuable feedback that the up-and-out person may not immediately understand or appreciate. For example, by pointing out the dumpsters in the first picture, the down-and-in person will give the up-and-out person something to think about when choosing rooms in the future.
To the up-and-out person, the down-and-in person seems to be shortsighted with no comprehension of or care for long-term initiatives. The #YOLO or Carpe Diem lifestyle with no future considerations makes the up-and-out person extremely uncomfortable. The up-and-out person feels the down-and-in person is too unorganized and solely focused on surviving the day. Thereby, the up-and-out person will (often unsuccessfully) urge the down-and-in person to understand how their daily actions contribute to the big picture.
These perspectives are mutually supporting but not mutually exclusive
Some of you may be thinking, “I’m a little bit of both.” Well, you’re right! Many of us find ourselves bouncing between these two perspectives. This is an important note as we fulfill our role in any team or relationship. We must constantly understand and adapt to the different perspectives to avoid the inevitable clash and work together to achieve common goals. If you are leading a team, you must constantly assess who’s who and find ways to incorporate each perspective to gain and maintain momentum on any given project.
So who are you today?
Picture yourself in that same hotel window with me and my wife. What do you see? And most importantly, how will you incorporate the alternate perspective? These are the questions I challenge you to think about throughout the week.