Tag: Mom

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Here’s how “emotional bank account” deposits help great leaders develop healthy relationships.

I have read numerous books about relationships and attended several relationship classes. Therein, I found one reoccurring metaphor: the emotional bank account. I first learned about this concept from one of my favorite authors, Dr. Stephen R. Covey, so this is an exciting topic for me! Before we dive too deep, let’s quickly define the “emotional bank account” for those who don’t know.

What is the emotional bank account?

Dr. Covey, the author of several great books to include The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, creates a beautiful metaphor that aligns an emotional bank account to our relationship with others. He explains it like this: “By proactively doing things that build trust in a relationship, one makes ‘deposits.’ Conversely, by reactively doing things that decrease trust, one makes ‘withdrawals.’ The current ‘balance’ in the emotional bank account, will determine how well two people can communicate and problem-solve together.”

There is so much we can learn from this metaphor, so it will serve as the foundation of our discussion today. We’ll build upon this foundation by discussing how leaders can make deposits into others’ emotional bank accounts to build healthy relationships.

Whether we are leading a tumbling toddler, a superstar athlete, a company of marines, a church, or any other person or group of people, we all share one common imperative: we need to build healthy relationships to be effective leaders. I submit to you that the way to build those healthy relationships is to liberally deposit into the emotional bank account of those you lead. I’m going to break that account down into seven categories: love, compassion, peace, patience, knowledge, values, and redemption+restoration.

How great leaders apply the “emotional bank account” metaphor to their relationships.

Let’s start with “why.”

Why is it important for leaders to make daily deposits into others’ emotional bank accounts? Simply put, by overfilling the accounts of those we lead, we give them an abundance to share with others. These liberal deposits create a ripple affect; one healthy relationship begets another which begets another (and so on). This aligns with my belief that each of us can and should make a significant positive impact and leave a lasting legacy on the world around us. Our impact and legacy begins with our direct interaction with others, and it transcends generations as those we lead apply what they learn from us.

Now, let’s break down those categories.

1. Love.

“Love” is such a broad yet sublime virtue. It is also the root of the other six categories. Even so, love is often hard to define. In fact, Oxford languages defines love as, “an intense feeling of deep affection.” But what does that really mean? In my humble opinion, that definition does not truly encapsulate the powerful meaning of love. Since love often invokes a strong physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual response, I believe we need a more thorough definition.

Regardless of our theological belief, the Holy Bible provides one of the most universally accepted definitions of love.:

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

1 Corinthians 13:4‭-‬7 NLT

The foundation of “love” as described above highlights one’s willingness to sacrifice his or her life (time, service, ego, and emotional responses) for another. A continual, selfless sacrifice (love) for another is the most important daily deposit we can make as leaders! It is the foundational virtue from which all other categories stem.

2. Compassion.

I shared my thoughts on compassion in another great blog post “The Three Day Mental Health Guide: Major Payne Edition.” Here’s what I said: Compassion requires you to validate and value others’ thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Do not fall into the trap of saying, “it’s really not that big a deal.” Instead, allow others to share their feelings with you, so you become empathetic enough to have a strong desire to help. Don’t try to be “Mr. (or Mrs.) Fix It,” but at least express the desire to help! For example, someone once stole a very rare unicorn from my oldest daughter in an online game that she enjoyed playing. It seemed silly at first, but I realized this really hurt her feelings. So first, I had to verbally validate her feelings and emotions. Then, I shared the moment with her until she felt better. Simple but effective! 

Liberally depositing compassion instills confidence and a sense of loyalty in those you lead.

3. Peace.

Albert Einstein said it best, “Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” The “understanding” that Einstein is referring to is driven by the empathetic listening (compassion) that I mentioned above. Hopefully, you are starting to see how all of these categories intertwine. Without compassion, we are unable to maintain a peaceful environment. A peaceful environment begets a productive environment. This productivity leads to loyalty, confidence, and positive mental attitudes. Ultimately, a peaceful environment is one of the major keys to developing the synergy we require for relationships to thrive. That’s why we will park on this topic for a moment.

I personally view peace as “harmonious living.” Some view “harmonious living” as the absence of arguments and violence. With that in mind, we can deposit peace by simply avoiding the other person, right?! 👍🏾 Wrong! 👎🏾👎🏾 This passive method will only appear to work until you cross paths. Then the “peace” you thought you had will quickly disappear. Depositing peace into your relationships requires action.

Your overall objective is to create a culture of mutual respect and dignity. Here are a few tips:
  • Actively listen to understand, not to respond.
  • Become genuinely intrigued with the other person’s thoughts, interests, emotions, and hobbies.
  • Eliminate judgement (express a negative opinion from a moral high ground) while extending grace (undeserved kindness).
  • Be forgiving (seriously, let it go).
  • Enjoy the other person’s company and find a common ground (common interests).
  • Identify the value the other person brings to the table and create a safe/secure environment for them to grow, develop, and thrive.

4. Patience.

Here’s a little known fact about me and my brothers (and our close friends growing up): we all wanted to be music producers from Middle School through High School. We would go into our computer room, hop on the music studio software that came with the Windows 98 and XP Operating Systems, and record our own albums. I have been searching for some of our old work. It would be great blackmail material 😂. In one of the most infamous/hilarious songs that our buddies AJ and Nick created, they said, “Patience is a virtue. What you can’t wait on may hurt you.” At the time, they thought they created a hit… We thought they created a comical jingle. I never knew that little jingle would give me a profound revelation almost 20 years later. I subconsciously learned a lesson about the importance of patience. That lesson greatly contributes to my own philosophy.

I discussed that philosophy a bit in a previous great blog post “How to shift your perspective and live a better life TODAY!” Therein I asserted that similar to peace, patience requires action and we build our capacity to accept delay/troubles without frustration (patience) by hoping and anticipating that life’s situations will turn out just fine. That’s great for life in general, but how do we develop patience with others?

First, we must internalize this fact: we are all flawed human beings. We all make mistakes. Once we digest that, we must realize patience requires practice.

How to practice patience.:
  • Be attentive and avoid jumping to conclusions.
  • Practice waiting on others without getting frustrated.
  • Practice relaxation and breathing exercises when you feel like you are growing impatient.
  • Be more optimistic in any given circumstance. Identify the opportunities and progress instead of focusing on the “failures” and regression (although the latter may appear more blatant).

AJ and Nick had it right! Failure to deposit patience into our relationships can be detrimental or hurtful. Contrarily, patience deposits will help grow the healthy relationships we all want and need.

5. Knowledge.

I love the word “knowledge” because it describes the information we gain from both experience and education. Thereby, our job as leaders is to create an environment where those we lead have an opportunity to gain relevant experience and continued education.

Examples: For a parent, this may look like showing your child how to maintain a car while systematically teaching them the mechanics of a car. For a corporate leader, this may look like appointing a worker as “team lead” and sending him or her to certification training that will make them better at their job.

Creating this environment will pay dividends in the long run because it encourages critical thinking and problem solving, instills confidence to take action, and promotes continual growth and development. This all leads to a positive culture and an overall successful household, classroom, or organization.

6. Values.

Shared values are some of the most valuable currency we can deposit. See what I did there? Values are defined as, “a person’s principles or standards of behavior.” I believe our values guide our moral compass (i.e. a person’s determination of and subsequent action on what they deem right and wrong).

Here are some questions to think about:
  • What are your values? What do you stand for and/or believe in?
  • How do you decipher between right and wrong?
  • What values do you clearly and concisely teach?
  • What values do you consistently demonstrate?
  • How do you incorporate and enforce a shared value system?

Answering these questions and–more importantly–applying what you learn will help you develop shared values with those you lead which creates a collaborative spirit and informs daily decisions.

7. Redemption + Restoration.

One day, I was so disappointed. My oldest daughter did something (can’t remember what she did) that utterly frustrated and disappointed me. Accordingly, I administered the punishment I felt her wrongful act deserved. I believe I grounded her and restricted her electronic time for two weeks! She was heartbroken yet unapologetic, but I immediately mumbled to myself, “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time!” Then, I probably beat on my chest and celebrated being a firm dad/leader.

Of course that celebratory moment was cut short. My dad/leader, who has an uncanny way of sensing when I have made or will make a mistake, contacted me. I gave him my version of what happened. He responded with a calmness that did not match my high emotions in that moment. He simply told me, “Ok. Make sure you give her an opportunity to redeem herself.”

I initially neither comprehended nor appreciated how profound his advice was. As time progressed and my emotions waned, my dad’s words began to sink in. I went back to my daughter and gave her an opportunity to correct her mistake. She was immediately remorseful and understood why what she did was wrong. That’s when it hit me.

She learned more from her restoration than my condemnation of her.

I’m proud to admit she’s always been a “daddy’s girl,” but that’s when I feel our relationship (and my relationship with my other two children) became even closer. That day, I learned a much-needed lesson as a father and leader, and all of the other categories began to make more sense. I had to sacrifice my previous beliefs, ego, and judgement to truly understand my daughter and provide her the leadership she needed in that moment. I accepted that she (and people in general) will make mistakes, and my dad helped me adjust my perspective to view each mistake as a learning opportunity and an opportunity to make decisions based upon a shared value system. As a result, my patience has grown, and I have made a concerted effort to create an environment of respect that allows those I lead to constantly grow and develop. I truly learned that liberal deposits produce healthy relationships.

Conclusion

Though it may seem like a daunting task at times, we have an obligation to invest in the emotional accounts of those we lead. Those investments will pay dividends as those we lead become leaders themselves and develop their own healthy relationships. Ultimately, our emotional deposits will create a lasting legacy for generations to come! Will you start depositing today?

Olaolu Ogunyemi: U.S. Marine Officer | Mentor | Best-selling Author
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How to inspire your child for life.: Inspirational quotes from my parents. (Part 2)

Ten quotes came to mind when I decided to share inspirational quotes from my parents that inspired me in Part 1 of this series. My siblings responded by sending me some of their favorite quotes from our parents, and some of you were shocked that I was able to draw inspiration or anything profound from a couple of the “meaningless” quotes. With that in mind, I will begin with something I wrote at the very end of Part 1. No matter if you’re leading children in a classroom, troops on the battlefield, a small project team, or any other person or group of people, you never know how what you say or do will impact those you lead.

You never know how what you say or do will impact those you lead.

Use that to your advantage! I challenge you to be intentional in your daily interactions. Also, remember that when you mess up, your response, intentions, and commitment to leading with love will make the difference in how those you lead perceive your mistakes.

With that, let’s dive into Part 2 of “How to inspire your child for life.: Inspirational quotes from my parents.”

Inspirational Quote #6:

Olaolu, I know you are a marine, but don’t drive your family, because you might drive them away. Lead your family.

Dad

This is obviously one of the more recent quotes in this list. I was a brand new officer in the Marine Corps who had learned a new type of leadership from the sergeant instructors at Officer Candidates School. Yeah of course I loved my family, but I wanted to train them to be timely, organized, and prepared for the real world. I was determined to be empathetic and understanding, but firm, consistent, and I’d hold them accountable.

My dad patiently listened to me as I explained all the great things I had learned as a new marine officer and how I’d use those lessons to lead my family. He interjected every once in a while as I laid out examples of how I would implement my new leadership philosophy. Of course I had a response for each interjection, because I had it all figured out. When I finally finished, he responded with the above quote.

Lesson learned.

This was another quote that I did not immediately receive, but it began to make more sense as time progressed. My dad explained that though I had great intentions, my militant tone, disposition, and philosophy was bordering autocracy. He intentionally used the word “drive” to emphasize his point. “Drive” has several definitions, but the first three are to “operate and control the direction [of],”propel or carry along by force,” and “urge or force (animals or people) to move in a specified direction.” He taught me one of the most valuable lessons about leadership that afternoon.: If you attempt to control those you lead by force (coercion, manipulation, etc.), you will force (push) them in the opposite direction.

Instead, he encouraged me to lead them. That means I must empathetically understand and meet each of their unique needs to make them better contributors to the team’s (or in this case, family’s) overall goals. Each person becomes better because of my example, words, and actions. That is the ultimate goal!

Inspirational Quote #7:

Do it right the first time.

Mom

I, like most people, always just wanted to quickly finish whatever task list I had so I can do my own thing. Whether it was cleaning my room, folding and ironing my clothes, washing dishes, or anything else, I would rush through so I could do whatever recreational activity I had planned that day. I would inform my mom when I finished, and she would inspect. Without fail, she would find that my clothes were in a ball and stuffed in the drawer. She would find my khakis were somehow triple or quadruple creased. My mom would even find entire pieces of food still stuck to the dishes I “washed.”

Somehow, I was always shocked that she’d make me do it again. Didn’t she know she was stopping me from getting to my recreation time?! To make matters worse, it would usually be a school night, so my recreational time was already limited! Regardless, she would always leave me with the above quote.

Lesson learned.

My mom was teaching me to create and maintain priorities. I initially thought she just wanted to keep me from having fun. Contrarily, she was teaching me to allocate the appropriate amount of time, resources, and effort to each priority so I can have time to do the things I want! This lesson has not only helped me in my professional life, but it has helped me to ensure I make time to build and maintain my personal spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental strength.

Inspirational Quote #8:

“Your mouth is moving faster than your brain! Think before you speak!”

Dad

Have you ever heard someone just ramble? You know, the person who just says a lot of meaningless words, spews empty rhetoric, and makes hollow promises. It’s even worse when those people are in a leadership position. That’s when this character flaw is costly. Well, my dad recognized how costly this would be and sought to teach us the “think first” philosophy at an early age. I’ve heard people in the Marine Corps say, “‘PTT stands for ‘push to talk,’ not ‘push to think!'” (It’s radio jargon.)

Lesson learned.

My dad was teaching us one of life’s most valuable lessons that quite honestly many leaders and politicians need to learn. I learned a few things from this.:

  • Be a man of your word. Don’t promise something you cannot or will not deliver.
  • Don’t be reactionary. Sometimes, saying the first thing that comes to your mind can be costly, because you cannot take it back. Think… then respond.
  • Never pass up a good opportunity to shut up and listen. You learn more about people and understand their needs when you listen to understand instead of listening to respond. This ties in well with the other lesson about empathetic listening.

Inspirational Quote #9:

You should never look back on a day and see that you accomplished nothing.

Mom

I remember my mom would come home from a long weekend day of running errands to find us just lounging around. None of our chores were complete. Our teeth may or may not have been brushed. We hadn’t showered or changed clothes. And when she asked what we had been doing, the frustrating but accurate answer she would receive is, “I don’t know.” We couldn’t even say that we rested, because we were still tired! The obvious truth was that we hadn’t accomplished anything that day. That’s when my mom would say the above quote.

Lesson learned.

Feeding upon the previous lessons on establishing and maintaining priorities, my mom was teaching us how to establish and achieve daily goals. These daily achievements are cumulative and they create what Dave Ramsey calls the “snowball” effect in finance and what Jim Collins refers to as the “flywheel” effect in businesses that went from “good to great.” Those small personal and professional daily achievements build upon each other over time and create momentum. That momentum builds you into a successful leader, team, family, or organization.

As such, my mom was teaching us how to establish winning habits to build successful personal and professional lives and healthy families of our own. Check out my post “Establishing Winning Habits” if you want to learn more about habit creation. Check out “Chasing Purpose is Better than Chasing Success” if you want to learn more about living a purposeful life.

Inspirational Quote #10:

He’s your brother! He’s all you got. You should always have each other’s back.

Mom

My siblings and I have a great relationship; we literally talk and enjoy each other’s company every day. If one of us is unaccounted for, you can expect to receive an individual text or call! We weren’t always like that though. Because we were ultra-competitive, there were times people would call our parents thinking we were going to kill each other. Soon after, our parents would find us laughing and playing as if nothing ever happened. Even so, that childlike short-term memory began to wane over time. My parents could tell that there were some issues that would linger from day to day, and if they didn’t intervene, envy, animosity, and hatred would soon reveal itself.

Lesson learned.

Joining the Marine Corps was a very natural move for me, because the lessons that my parents taught us transitioned perfectly. They taught us that no matter what happens in life, you will always have each other. There is always someone you can turn to even if you feel like the world was against you. Therefore, I must love and cherish my family. I should treat them with honor, dignity, and respect while ensuring I prioritize their needs above my own. I should be their biggest fan, supporter, and reliable accountability partner, and I should give my time and efforts freely without expecting anything in return. And when the time comes, I should be prepared to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fight!

If I somehow managed to forget every other lesson I have ever learned, this is the lesson I will not forget. So I will end with this encouragement for you. Fight WITH (not against) and for your love ones! Never give up on fighting for healthy relationships and fighting to keep everyone engaged on your team. You have everything you need within you to inspire the next generation, so keep fighting and lead well!

Honorable mention Inspirational Quotes

As I said before, my siblings bombarded me with quotes from my parents. However, I had to narrow them down to keep this series from extending through the new year. So here are just four more “honorable mention” inspirational quotes not in any particular order.

Honorable Mention Inspirational Quote #1.

There’s a right time for everything.

Dad

This is pretty self-explanatory; read the room and know when it’s time for certain actions and words.

Honorable Mention Inspirational Quote #2

If everyone else was jumping off of a cliff, would you?

Mom

A lot of parents used to say this one, but the message isn’t missed.: Educate yourself and have a purpose for everything you do. Never just blindly follow the masses.

Honorable Mention Quote #3

Sell your shares!

Dad

I didn’t even know what this meant when my dad would walk around turning off all the lights and stopping us from running water while brushing our teeth. Lol. He was jokingly telling us to “sell our shares” of the electric and water companies we were allegedly making rich. In reality, he was teaching us to be mindful of how we use our limited resources.

Honorable Mention Quote #4

Learn something new every day.

Mom

My parents taught us to be continual learners, and to never be content with your current knowledge. Whether it be reading, listening to podcasts, watching documentaries, attending formal education/training in our professional careers, or obtaining advance degrees, they always wanted us to maintain a sharp mind. Come to think of it, I don’t think there has been a period of time where one of the six of us has not been attending some form of formal educational program beyond high school since 1994. These lessons work!

That’s all I have for today. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week!

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How to inspire your child for life.: Inspirational quotes from my parents. (Part 1)

On the go? Listen to the audio version of “How to inspire your child for life.: Inspirational quotes from my parents. (Part 1)!”

My parents have had a huge impact on my life! It’s easy to Monday morning armchair quarterback my parents’ mistakes. However, after considering how my siblings and I have achieved success in education and in our professions across the industries, I am determined to analyze how our upbringing influenced our successes. There are numerous contributing factors that I have outlined in several “Parenting Tips” articles like “Talk is Cheap: 8 ways healthy couples set the example for their children.” You can peruse https://parent-child-connect.com/blog or checkout my “Parent Tips” Pinterest board for more information on these articles. Today, I want to reminisce on and share how just a few of my parents’ inspirational quotes inspired me for life!

Some of theses inspirational quotes are more profound. Others seemed meaningless at the time. Either way, they have inspired me and influenced my behavior. Let’s get started!:

Inspirational Quote #1:

If you let people know what buttons to push to make you mad, they will push them every time.

Mom

“Mommy, Clement and Joshua are messing with me again!” I probably cried and yelled this over one hundred times when I was younger, and Mommy would come to the rescue! That’s right! I would call in reinforcements any time my brothers did something I didn’t like…Until one day, it didn’t work. Instead, my mom left me with the above quote.

Lesson learned.

Of course I didn’t immediately receive this advice. I just wanted “the enforcer” to come lay down the law! However, I’ve embraced this advice over the years. My mom was telling me two things. Firstly, never allow someone to control your emotions. You have the power to choose your response regardless of what they say or do. Secondly, whether good or bad, people will always have an opinion. You cannot allow others’ opinions to discourage you from pursuing your dreams.

Inspirational Quote #2:

Don’t try to stop it son!

Dad

This story is actually a bit comical. One day, my dad, my brother (Josh), and I took a routine trip to the dumpsters down the street from our house. There’s no trash pickup in the country. You have to transport your own trash to the nearest dumpster. While at the dumpster, my dad parked and we proceeded to unload the trash. There was only one problem; somehow, the stick in our standard truck was knocked out of park into neutral. The truck started rolling! My first instinct was to jump behind the truck to stop it from rolling. (Maybe I watched too many superhero movies growing up.) Of course my dad was not thrilled with that idea, and he quickly commanded me to stop.

Lesson learned.

Quite honestly, I thought he overreacted that day, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that stepping behind a 2,800 pound pickup truck as it gains momentum down a gentle slope is a terrible idea! Moreover, I learned a couple of things that day. First, immediately springing into action is only good if the action that you spring into produces the desired results. As time permits, observe the situation, and make your decisions based upon logic and fact… Not emotions.

I also learned that some things are out of your control. In the “rolling truck” scenario, I was about to turn a quickly-rectifiable situation into a disaster, because I wanted to control a situation that was not mine to control. Recognize when and where you’re needed before taking action.

Inspirational Quote #3:

Don’t just step over that trash like you didn’t see it. Pick it up!

Mom

I would be a rich man if I had a dollar for every time my mom said some variation of this quote! It was almost like we just didn’t get the simple concept of picking up after ourselves and cleaning up when we were younger. Ironically, none of us like a junky or disorganized house now. In fact, I remember my high school basketball coach calling me out for having pride in the school because I didn’t pass by a piece of trash without picking it up. Likewise, my 8 year old son recently received a “Positive Referral” to the office for doing the same at his school. It’s amazing to see how these lessons transcend generations.

Lesson learned.

Of course taking pride in my surroundings was the biggest lesson I learned. It helped me to understand that “making the world a better place” begins with positively impacting (or in this case, cleaning up) what is immediately around you. Accordingly, we should take pride in doing the “little” positive things, because those little things add up to make a gigantic impact.

I also learned that organization is one of the key factors to being an effective leader. When you physically organize your personal and work belongings, you are training your mind to recognize that everything has a proper place. This allows your mind to more easily establish and maintain priorities, create an accurate schedule by allocating the appropriate time to things that matter, budget, and more! Ultimately, being organized increases your personal and professional productivity, and it all begins with picking that little piece of trash.

Inspirational Quote #4:

What do you want to be when you grow up? Do they look like that?

Dad

I actually told this story in a previous post as I encouraged leaders to remain persistent and consistent. Although I couldn’t see it at the time, I had an ugly mohawk in high school. I laugh every time I think about it. I even had the audacity to spike it to make matters worse. Meanwhile, my dad and the assistant principal (Coach Johnson) absolutely hated it! I’m pretty sure it was out of my school’s uniform regulations, but I had probably found some ridiculous loophole. Either way, my dad and Coach Johnson tried to convince me to get rid of it numerous times to no avail; until one day, my dad asked me the above questions.

Lesson learned.

I admit that at the time, I think I cut my hair because I felt he finally beat me. I usually had some witty response to his lectures that sounded something like, “so are you saying I have to cut it?” He won that time with those two rhetorical questions! More importantly, he inspired me to think about my future and to examine what and who I wanted to be. That’s when I began to internalize the fact that regardless of my current circumstance, I should look, behave, and speak like the person I aspire to be. He wasn’t persuading me to change who I am, he was encouraging me to hone in on and develop the internal and external characteristics of the person I want to be in the future. That lesson made me a life-long learner and a man who is constantly seeking self-improvement.

Inspirational Quote #5

You’re bored? There’s always something to be done!

Mom

Man, I committed what my siblings and I nicknamed “a cardinal sin” in my childhood home. I walked up to my mom and said, “Mommy, I’m bored!” At first, my mom seemed surprised by my statement. Then a more sadistic look entered her eyes–almost like a real life Major Payne. Uh oh… I messed up! She proceeded to show me all the chores that I somehow looked over to audaciously tell her that she needs to find something to entertain me. Let’s just say, I spent the rest of that day catching up on chores I neglected for the week.

Lesson learned.

I learned not to tell my mom I’m bored anymore… At least not when I have a pile of work to do. 😂 According to “Oxford Languages,” being “bored” is “feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.” My mom was teaching me that you should not be “unoccupied” when there is work to do. We should always work to be part of the solution. If we don’t, our inaction makes us an inevitable contributor to the problem.

She was also teaching me that we shouldn’t just nonchalantly slop through our responsibilities. Instead, we should have a vested interest in our team’s success. That means we should be self-motivated to do our part for the betterment of the team as a whole.

I will end Part 1 on that note. Many of us claim we want to make a change, but remember: change begins with one small action. So I encourage you to take a small step today to inspire those you lead. As you can see by the above quotes (and you will continue to see in Part 2), you never know how what you say or do will impact those you lead. Continue to learn and lead well!

Stay tuned for Part 2!

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Brea’s encouraging epiphanies (Part 2): Hanging wall paper.

On the go? Listen to the audio version of “Brea’s encouraging epiphanies (Part 2): Hanging wall paper!”

After I posted Brea’s encouraging epiphanies: Repainting a wall, Brea told me, “I actually jotted down a few notes when we were hanging that wall paper in the bathroom.” My eye immediately started twitching, because similar to the Madrigal family, there is something we don’t talk about in our home: self-adhesive wall paper! It’s a simple project (at least on YouTube) that shouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes, but it takes us hours to complete. Regardless, these encouraging epiphanies are too important not to share, and since some of you called my phenomenal dad puns “cringy” in the last post, I will stick to the point!

Without further ado (or any additional phenomenal dad puns), I present part two of Brea’s encouraging epiphanies!

The story:

Today, I tackled a home project alone. Contrary to popular beliefs, I do not like doing home projects (or any projects really) alone. I know how I want something to look, and I stand back as I instruct others (usually my husband) on how to do the job.

Anyways, today I was determined to apply adhesive wallpaper to our half bath. This job can be a little tricky. You have to make sure the wallpaper lines up with the edges of the wall; otherwise, you have wallpaper that slants down your wall. 🥴 You also have to rub out all of the bubbles in the wallpaper as you go, which can be very time consuming. Let’s just say, I thought (and maybe even mumbled) a few choice words during this process and wanted to give up more than a few times. I literally had a conversation/debate with my inner self. It was crazy!

The conversation.

After struggling a bit, I told myself, “You should just give up!” I entertained this thought momentarily, and even started thinking about all the things I could be doing instead. But after contemplating this for a little while, I finally told myself, “This is bigger than you just quitting this one project! If you quit this project, soon you’ll find yourself quitting the next project, job, relationship, etc. It’s a slippery slope!”

You see, I’ve allowed myself to start believing that I’m a quitter. I’ve begrudgingly accepted the identity of one of whom can never finish what she’s started. I almost allowed that identity to dictate how I would proceed throughout the day, and more importantly, how I would abruptly end this project.

Then something happened. I heard a new voice from God. He told me to slow down and trust the process. Then, He told me to look up. When I looked up, I noticed how much I’d accomplished. Seeing how far I’d come and how well I had done was the encouragement I needed to keep going! Throughout the remainder of the project, I begin to jot down a few thoughts on what I learned. Here are those notes.:

Encouraging epiphany #1: It’s okay to take a break…just don’t quit!

Listen, I get it. My arms and shoulders got tired first. Then, my back started stiffening. I’m pretty sure I even started seeing double at some point. Initially I thought, “yep, this is a sign that it’s time to quit!” In reality, my body was just asking for a break. I was so focused on completing the project, I hadn’t eaten or had any water for several hours. We do the same thing in life.

We get so focused on the “what” that not only do we lose sight of the “why,” but we forget to take care of ourselves. Rest, eat well, stretch, hydrate, meditate, and recover. This is an essential part of completing any project or pursuing any goal in life.

Encouraging epiphany #2: Sometimes you have to start back from the top and try again.

This one was a tough pill to swallow. Once I finally got the wallpaper to smoothen without bubbles, I realized it was slanted! 😤 So I had to take it off and reapply it. Though this process was frustrating because it felt like I was losing progress, I had to change my perspective. Instead of saying, “Dang it! I’m restarting again!” I told myself, “let’s shake it out and figure out how we can make it straighter this time. It’s going to look great when you finish!” This change in attitude shifted my focus from what is going wrong to why I’m doing this project in the first place. We should always pursue our “why.”

Encouraging epiphany #3: It’s okay to accept help.

I started this project determined to finish on my own. Why? I wanted to prove to myself that I can finish what I started! This is an awesome and encouraging “why.” I had to ask myself an important question when it started getting really rough and frustrating: Can I ask my husband for help? Admittedly, I initially said, “No! I have to do this project myself.” Then I finally realized that I could accomplish my “why” more efficiently if I invited him to share this journey with me.

Doing things on your own makes a success story sound great! However, it is exhausting, painful, and makes what could be an exciting journey completely unbearable. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, incompetent, or less of a woman. I encourage you to disconnect from anyone who would tell you otherwise. Reach out and connect with people who can encourage you and make you better along your journey!

Reflection

Now, this job isn’t perfect by a looong shot! Lol…but that’s life. We aren’t perfect. There will be bumps along the way (just like my wallpaper 🤣), but if we hold firm to God’s truths about our identity, progress, and accomplishments while blocking out the negative thoughts, we will be encouraged and strengthened to finish the journey.

The journey may get rough, but keep pushing and pursuing your goals! You’re not a quitter. You’re a winner!

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful week!

Here are a few pictures of the completed project. It may not be perfect, but I am extremely proud of how it turned out!
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What inspires you?

I will never forget the cycle of emotions I had before I published my first book: excitement, nervousness, fear, self-doubt, repeat. The rejection messages and my own “what ifs” seemed to validate my repetitive emotion cycle. My family continued to encourage me to publish–especially my brother Joshua (the illustrator). However, I broke the cycle by asking myself two questions:

Why do you want to do this? What inspires you?

My answer was, as it has been in other areas of my life, “this will be a success if I can just reach one person.” That was all I needed to make my final decision to publish! Now that I have published multiple books, I have adopted a new slogan, “just one more!” In other words, I strive to reach and encourage at least one person each day. That is what drives me to relentlessly pursue my personal and professional goals.

With that in mind, stories like David Dredden‘s make my day!:

Courtesy of David Dredden’s Facebook profile: https://www.facebook.com/david.dredden

Isn’t his Facebook post wonderful? This is exactly what I had in mind when I created the parent-child-connect (P2C) book series (and my website); I wanted to provide resources for parents, teachers, and mentors to create fun and memorable experiences with their children. So first, I would like to celebrate David and his wife Kristen, because along with their other wonderful endeavors (find out more here), they are doing an exceptional job with King and his siblings!

I am also honored and inspired to be a small part of King’s journey to overcome the challenges associated with autism. I have had the pleasure of knowing King since he was born, and he has always impressed me! King would come sit beside me at church to study the drums during service when we lived in San Diego. His dedication was impressive, but the skills he developed by the age of four wowed me! That is a testament to his work ethic, and it is obvious his parents are investing time and creating memorable moments with him and his siblings!

It’s the first day of World Autism Month!

King and the entire Dredden family are truly amazing, and their story is just one example of what inspires me. This is a perfect way to kick off World Autism Month where we “pledge to help create a world where all people with autism can reach their full potential.” https://www.autismspeaks.org/world-autism-month

Click the link above to learn more about World Autism Month, and connect with David Dredden to learn more about the great things he is doing!

Now it’s your turn, and I want to hear from you! What inspires you?

Did you enjoy this post?

Olaolu Ogunyemi: U.S. Marine | Mentor | Best-selling Author

Check out my blog for more great posts like this one! https://parent-child-connect.com/blog

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Speak Out by Aubrie Owens

*Quick commentary from Olaolu: I created Parent-Child-Connect to provide resources for parents, teachers, and mentors to connect with their children. I believe a large part of that mission is to use my platform to encourage and spread hope! With that in mind, I am excited to share the virtual stage with a great friend who has been like family to us since we started active duty service in 2013! Meet, Aubrie Owens aka my wife’s bestie. She is excited to speak out and share small portion of her story to encourage, educate, and empower you! Like, share, comment, enjoy!*

Kyle and Aubrie Owens

I have been contemplating writing this, and I have finally decided to speak out. Social media tends to highlight happy moments, but in truth, it’s not all happiness. I have been struggling with endometriosis for many years now. For those who don’t know, endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is “a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus” (source: mayoclinic.org).  They say one in every ten women struggle with this condition. It has caused me infertility and pain for many years, and I have had countless miscarriages and heartbreak because of it. It hasn’t all been heartbreak though. My husband Kyle and I have also had many joys giving birth to a beautiful daughter named Yuri and watching Ava be a wonderful big sister. I have also been fortunate to have amazing doctors and family/friend support. 

How it started: 

Around 2013, I went to the ER with abdominal pain. The doctors discovered a cyst the size of a softball near my ovary, and they determined surgery was the best option. During the surgery, they identified that I had severe endometriosis. They advised me to immediately start consulting a fertility doctor if I would like to have children in the future. This led us to visit multiple doctors which, in turn, led them to prescribe me multiple medications. Numerous Intrauterine insemination (IUI) and In vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments resulted in many miscarriages. Finally, in 2016 (our last IVF attempt), I became pregnant with Yuri. 

After months of heartbreak and disappointment, we finally conceived a child! However, I wasn’t out of the woods yet. In 2017 I almost lost my life, and we almost lost Yuri. I had appendicitis that resulted in sepsis, and Yuri and I would spend months in the hospital trying to recover. 

The journey continues: 

I have accepted the hard truth; it is time for a full hysterectomy. Though I am extremely grateful that I was able to conceive my two children, I do not want to continue to live with the pain. I do not write this for sympathy but in hopes I can reach another woman who is going through a struggling time. Whether you have had to endure a chronic illness or disorder, a miscarriage, or pain that led to infertility, I am here. We as women must choose what is best for us and never let others dictate how we feel. 

Today, I ask for good vibes and prayers as I go in for surgery. I’m going to be straight with all of you, I am scared. The last time I went in for surgery I almost lost my life and my child. But I am thankful for the support of my family, friends, and wonderful doctors. I am appreciative of my husband who has supported me throughout many trying times. He held me as I cried over the children we lost. He spent countless hours with me in the hospital when I was ill, and stayed most nights with Yuri in the NICU.  

As silly as it sounds, part of me feels like I am losing my ability to be a woman. I will never be able to carry another child. It is especially painful because people often ask, “are you going to try again for a boy?” I’ve decided my health and my body means more to me than bringing another life into this world. Getting to spend time with my family pain free will be the most rewarding joy. 

I write this today as an encouragement to you all. Speak out! Do what you feel is best for YOU. In a world of uncertainty, your happiness and your health is the number one priority.

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Quick Parent Tip: Build Your [Child’s] Life in Reverse

Hello great people! Recently, I was watching a movie called “Arrival” on Hulu. Here is a brief description I found on Google:

“Linguistics professor Louise Banks (Amy Adams) leads an elite team of investigators when gigantic spaceships touch down in 12 locations around the world. As nations teeter on the verge of global war, Banks and her crew must race against time to find a way to communicate with the extraterrestrial visitors. Hoping to unravel the mystery, she takes a chance that could threaten her life and quite possibly all of mankind.”

I will not give my opinion on the movie (because it is irrelevant for today’s topic). However, there was one quote at the end that got my wheels turning. 🤔

“If you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?”

-Actor Amy Adams playing as Louise Banks (Arrival)

I started to pontificate on this slightly modified thought, “What if I could see ‘the end?’ Would I change what I am presently doing?” The easy answer is YES! But how?

1. Start Imagining

In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen Covey said, “begin with the end in mind.” This requires foresight, imagination, and vision.

Our [your] ability to imagine in high definition is our [your] super power!

Try this: Close your eyes and see your children in the future. What kind of personality do they have? Do you know what brings them joy and fulfillment? What opportunities exist for them? Keep imagining! This is a high definition imagination moment (e.g. if you cannot taste the coffee that future you is sharing with your child[ren], just keep letting your mind wander!)

I’ll give an example. Brea and I imagine that our children will create healthy relationships, maintain a positive mental attitude, and be financially stable/free. That’s “the end,” but how do we get there??

2. Start Building (in reverse)!

Ok, so now that you have a clear picture of “the end” what do you do? You start building… in reverse!

Let’s take financial stability/freedom for example. We asked ourselves, “what does financial stability look like for our children later in life?” We imagined our children comfortably traversing through three key areas of finance: giving, saving/investing, and enjoying.

1. Giving: We truly believe Acts 20:35 that says, “…it is more blessed to give than to receive.” So not only are we extremely transparent with our giving, we encourage our children to do for others! Give their time and their talents. Give [donate] a percentage (at least 10%) of the money they earn. We want them to feel and understand the value of promoting the welfare of others.

2. Saving/Investing: I admit, this is a tough skill that requires discipline and practice, but if mastered at a young age, our children can ensure their future financial stability while building a legacy for future generations.

Currently, we are teaching our children to save using a couple of different “baskets.”

Basket (A) is call “short term savings.” The short term savings basket is used to get things that require them to save for less than ~30 days. For example, my 7 year old would work for a couple of weeks to earn enough money to purchase a $15 toy.

Basket (B) is called “long term savings.” The long term savings basket is used for things that take longer than ~30 days to save for. This is a little harder for the younger ones, but my 11 year old would work hard for a few weeks to purchase some brand new shoes…… Yea, she’s at that phase in her life. Bring back the little cute puzzles from Dollar Tree!! 😬🙄🥴… I digress.

You get the point, right? We are teaching them to consistently put money aside vice constantly working the “instant gratification” muscle (we will get to that in a second).

Lastly, we introduced my oldest to the concept of investing in mutual funds, and thanks to the Financial Literacy Flashcards by the Finance Doctor (shameless plug 🔌⚡), we have been able to teach her some valuable financial literacy terms! In the future, we will likely open a custodial Roth IRA, show her how we consistently invest for her college expenses, etc. But for now, we are slowly exposing her to the concept of long-term investing at a pace that we feel is appropriate.

3. Enjoying: This one came natural for our children–nobody had to teach them how to spend/enjoy money. And guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that! By mastering the other two key areas, our children will be able to reap the benefits of their hard work. We are not flashy people, but there are a few luxuries that we indulge in as a family so our children understand that there is nothing wrong with treating yourself! In fact, it is a must for a healthy lifestyle. Work hard, play hard!

And that’s it! That is just one of many examples of how we are building our lives in reverse. See how easy that was?!

Now it’s your turn. Give me an example of how you are (or will start) living your life in reverse!

Olaolu Ogunyemi: U.S. Marine Officer | Mentor | Best-selling Author