I’ve always envisioned Parent-Child-Connect as the premier location for real-time, raw conversations to help leaders (including parents, teachers, mentors, and caregivers) grow so they can develop the next generation of impactful leaders. In keeping with that vision, I want to share my thoughts from my morning meditation and journaling. Today, while reflecting on some of the mistakes I’ve made, I realized two things: 1. We all have “hidden” struggles, and 2. We are more like Adam and Eve than we’d like to think. So I want to explore that today and discuss some practical tips I’m using in my life that I believe would be useful to others. Admittedly, this discussion may not be for everyone, and that’s ok. I’m specifically sharing this for those who find themselves deleting text messages they knew were wrong to send, or sneaking to eat that comfort food despite the goals you set, or turning the picture of your family around so they won’t “see” what you’re doing, or trying to wave away the smoke or use things to mask the smell of alcohol on your breath…Whatever it is for you, I’m not writing this to condemn, condone, or make fun of you. Rather, I’m here as your brother in Christ with his own struggles, walking through this with you. Let’s chat.

Adam & Eve

While reflecting on my own struggles and praying for forgiveness, I thought about the story of Adam and Eve. This is a very common story in Genesis chapter 3, often referred to as the “fall of mankind.” If I’m being honest, I’ve turned my nose up at Adam and Eve. Like, “How could you?!” For those who don’t know, the story goes a little something like this: God created Adam and Eve, and allowed them to live in a paradise called “the Garden of Eden.” In this garden, they could roam freely and enjoy the pleasures of what we would probably call an oasis or destination vacation today. In this place, they had one rule: 

“The Lord God told the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree of the garden. But do not eat from the tree of learning of good and bad. For the day you eat from it you will die for sure.’” -Genesis 2:16-17

Genesis 3:1-6 tells us that the enemy tempted Eve; she gave in to her curiosity and desire and ate the fruit, then gave it to Adam, who indulged as well. I’ve glossed over the next verse in the past, because it was almost like one of those “Really? Did you think that would work?” moments. 

“At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.” -Genesis 3:7

I found myself in this verse during my meditation this morning, and I hope you can find yourself in it as well. How often do we try to hide our struggles? I gave some examples in the opening paragraph, but how far are we willing to go to hide those struggles from our significant others, kids, parents, friends, and even God? In these moments, we feel the conviction because we know that even if it wasn’t what some would consider a sin, it wasn’t conducive to our healthy relationship with our Father or others. So we hide. We pretend we have it all figured out while failing to address these “hidden” struggles head-on.  I get it. 

Remove the fig leaves

We have to remove the proverbial fig leaves and unmask our hidden struggles to grow. This isn’t a call to recklessly share with everyone because, not only would that likely unnecessarily embarrass you and your family, but you could open yourself up to being condemned by others, which could be counterproductive. Instead, start by confessing to God in prayer. It doesn’t have to be a long, grandiose prayer. Just make it a simple conversation, “Father, I messed up, and I need Your help.” Allow Him to guide you through, and perhaps He’ll even show you who you can share this struggle with so they can act as a confidant and accountability partner. The biggest point here is that if you put more effort into trying to hide the struggle when you’re in the heat of battle than you do working to prevent it by uprooting the deeply-seated desire, you will remain stuck in a perpetual cycle. 

With that said, removing the “fig leaves” from your struggle is the first step. The next step is to remove the “fig leaves,” or ambiguity, from the desire you’re trying to fill and the accompanying palliative you use to satisfy it. I know it’s easier said than done, but start by understanding what bothers you. For some of us, giving in to a struggle may make us feel accepted rather than rejected; for others, giving in may help us feel comforted and satiated after denying ourselves something for a while. The problem is that, though often temporary, the adrenaline rush and feelings of satiation, comfort, and acceptance are real–even if they are wrong! So when a hidden struggle meets a real psychological result, the action can often feel right. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you thought it was right.

Name your struggle, and uncover what you’re trying to satisfy or fix.

Use the 5’s

Identifying our struggles and the “why” behind them is a great first step…but that doesn’t fix the problem, and it doesn’t stop those feelings from happening. So I want to encourage you to use an exercise I call the 5’s. I adapted this from the old advice that, when faced with a frustrating situation, we should consider will it matter in five minutes? Five hours? Five days? 

The bottom line is that I want to use the same thought pattern to disconnect from the situation where I’m about to mess up. I start with five minutes, then fifty minutes, then five hours, then five days. Here’s my modification:

5 Minutes

The first 55 minutes are what I call the “cold shower” time. I say this a bit tongue-in-cheek, referencing the advice I received growing up, when I started having sexual urges. It sounds funny, but the science is that the shock of cold water causes blood vessels to constrict, reducing arousal, and the discomfort of the cold shower serves as a mental distraction–killing the mood. Regarding our struggles, I’m not saying you have to take a five-minute cold shower (unless it works for you), but I am saying that these first five minutes are crucial! Immediately disconnect from whatever situation you’re in, and spend these five minutes praying and focusing on your goals and commitments. Pull out a pen and paper, and focus on nothing else but writing down reasons your commitments and goals are more important than the temporary feeling you are craving. Set your watch for five minutes, and move as far as possible from your phone, the kitchen, or wherever the temptation is. These first five minutes should feel like an abrupt physical, mental, and emotional pause to focus on your long-term goal. 

50 Minutes

During the next 50 minutes, you’re still in the “cold shower.” Some may disagree, but I find it helpful to do something else entirely. I prefer something physical, such as folding clothes, cleaning, yard work, or catching up on home projects. I like things that require physical and mental engagement that can serve as a distraction. It’s important to note that you should still be physically separated from the struggle. So, for example, if you’re tempted to grab that ice cream, knowing it violates your physical fitness goals, this isn’t the time to wash dishes or put away the leftovers. Go organize the garage or clean the basement. Whatever you do, just leave the kitchen.

5 Hours

After you’ve finished the initial shock, it’s time to begin the detox. It is important for me to highlight here that if that initial 55 minutes isn’t enough, stay in the “cold shower!” I’d rather do 5 hours of cold showers than pretend I’m good after 55 minutes, only to walk right back into the situation. But if you’ve moved on beyond the initial shock and are ready to start detoxing, choose a healthy alternative. For example, maybe instead of firing off that text or DM to the person you know would give you the wrong kind of attention, spend the next 5 hours checking in on family and friends. Ask them how they’re doing. Call an old friend (one who won’t trigger your struggles) and catch up. These 5 hours are about moving beyond distractions to meeting those desires with healthy alternatives. So if you want to feel accepted, calling a family member or close friend who misses you would be a healthy alternative. If you’re craving ice cream, a protein bar or a vegetable smoothie may be better. The goal is to start associating that newly unmasked, unmet need with a positive alternative.

5 Days

This is where you practice that association between your unmet need and the positive alternative. These five days are important because you are developing the foundation for your new neural pathways. I’m not necessarily talking about five consecutive days; rather, I’m referring to the next 5 times you face your struggle. You will feel uncomfortable, but it’s just the shock your body needs to solidify the positive correlation we’re developing. This also sets the groundwork for the subsequent phases:

• 55 Days: These are your habit-forming days. That repetition will help the association become more natural to you.
• 5 Months (~150 Days): By now, it’s a physical habit for you. Don’t be surprised if people recognize a change. Because it was a hidden struggle, they may not understand what the change was, but it was necessary for your growth. 
• 500 Days: After hundreds of repetitions, you’ve developed a new neural pathway, and you’ve effectively associated the desire with a healthy alternative, leaving that hidden struggle behind. 

Closing

Notice how I bulletized 55 days – 500 days; I did that intentionally. Why? Because if you’re like me, seeing 500 days to develop a new neural pathway is intimidating and makes me try to create a 500-day plan that is sure to fail. So focus on those 5 days. If you can’t make it that far yet, start with repeating the 5 hours, 55 minutes, or even 5 minutes. Don’t beat yourself up or throw your hands up and say, “It’s no use.” We all have “hidden” struggles, but with God, focus, and intention, we can face them and grow, allowing us to lead well and develop the future generation. 

Before I close, I’d like to offer one of my favorite YouVersion Bible Plans for your consideration: Uncompromised: How to Withstand Temptations When You’re Most Vulnerable. I wrote this plan while facing my own temptations while vulnerable, intending to encourage teens in the same way I’m writing to you today. The unintended effect is that adults around the world have been blessed and inspired by this plan. As with all YouVersion Bible Plans, this one is free. I’d love to hear your feedback on the plan and everything we discussed today in the comments.

Let’s grow together!